A carrot a day keeps ciggies away

Undoubtedly we live in a crazy world. Crazy, like in ridiculous. Out of New Zealand (known only for its rugby prowess) comes a report its prison authorities have banned smoking.

And to help the stupefied inmates get over withdrawal systems, they’re issuing each with two carrots a day. Shrinks reckon the biggest stumbling block giving up smoking is keeping the mouth occupied. So chewing on a carrot or two throughout the day will keep the saliva active – so no craving after the virulent weed.

I don’t get it. Smokers don’t munch their ciggies – they suck them. Okay, some weirdos might find chewing paper and tobacco appetising, but the majority find satisfaction inhaling the soothing, but deadly, nicotine effluvia.

Then again, perhaps it’s not a bad idea eating the stuff unburned – it might very well act as an effective purgative, leaving lungs untouched and stomachs flatulent-free.

But it’s a safe bet the carrot idea won’t bear fruit. Can you imagine being locked up in a cell most of the time and having to chew on a carrot? I was put on a diet of one carrot (interspersed with one apple) a day for three days at a health (sic) farm. On the third day, I developed a severe headache and started hallucinating, smelling askoek and wors on a braai. Two nurses, built like Sumo wrestlers, had to constrain me from haring off to the institution’s kitchens in search of the elusive fare.

What will it do to hardened criminals who’ve already lost their marbles? They’d be filching each other’s carrots causing serious scuffles. Others will try setting carrots alight with the intention of smoking them. The prisons will be turned into lunatic asylums, with warders calling for soldiers in Ratels to help restrain a mob gone totally bossies.

Given that prisons are normally overpopulated, placing a huge strain on the Treasury (our money), and given that smoking is a killer, one would’ve thought the idea of feeding the prisoners free cigarettes is a humane way of lessening overcrowding. Carrots won’t do any culling. On the contrary, those weaned off cigarettes will become healthier and live out their sentences.

New Zealanders must stick to rugby rather than dabble in deeper issues that go up in smoke.