Two-and-a-half men in bliss
SURROGACY: STORY OF A MODERN JOURNEY TO PARENTHOOD
Flight and drive to the hospital gave us 15 minutes to spare before his first cry.
When we met 11 years ago, neither of us would have thought that a decade later, we would be running between diaper changes, burping and tummy time! Becoming parents did not seem like a reality, although it was something we had in the back in our minds and have always longed for.
For months, expectant firsttime parent’s try to imagine the moment they hear their child’s first cry (or yell!) while going through all the emotions of pregnancy. But nothing can prepare you for that actual moment, for us it was a moment we thought would never be possible.
Seeing our best friends become dads through surrogacy just a couple of months earlier made us look into the possibility of starting our family journey. It took several weeks of research, phone calls and a leap of faith to contact a fertility clinic and start the process.
South Africa has one of the most advanced surrogacy laws and it’s strictly regulated by the high court. There are several parties involved, including fertility specialists, IVF coordinators, lawyers, financial brokers and psychiatrists. The court order also confirms the intended parents as legal parents of the child born through surrogacy from the moment of birth. Previously, once a child was born through surrogacy, an adoption process would have to be started by the intended parents so they could become the legal parents.
Our journey to parenthood started in April last year when we “met” Anne*, our prospective surrogate. There was an immediate connection between the three of us and it felt as if we had known each other for years. From the outside it must have been such an interesting conversation; the three of us called it “speed dating”, but with a very different outcome. Anne has two children of her own, and over the following months, we celebrated their birthdays, academic achievements and listened to Anne’s torment at her daughter’s teenage phase!
For several weeks the three of us underwent medical check-ups, psychological evaluations and an incredible amount of legal advice and contracts. This was a very “clinical” and cold part of the process, but with an untallied number of milkshakes, scones and coffee we got through it all.
The only hurdle still in our way was our court hearing; and Murphy’s Law. According to our lawyer, it was his longest day in court as the judge was most definitely reading leisurely through all the documents. If anything was questioned, we had to go back and possibly delay the process by a couple of months. Finally, everything was approved.
Anne and the egg donor started with their respective IVF treatments in June last year. This process is highly coordinated and timed. After the successful egg fertilisation, we endured two heartbreaking transfer failures in the following months.
The most difficult was each time seeing an embryo being transferred, and having the agonising two-week wait before a pregnancy test was done. Couples undergoing IVF treatment call it PUPO, “pregnant until proven otherwise”, and for those couple of days your world comes to a standstill.
Then in the first week of December, we received the good news, a positive pregnancy! We could finally break the news to our family and friends.
We can’t say it was an explosion of excitement at first, as they had a lot of questions and uncertainties about the process, but with each scan image they became more and more excited.
We could not wait for the monthly check-ups and scans and flew up to Pretoria each time to support Anne. We had a choice of how much we wanted to be involved during the pregnancy, but from our initial meeting, we assured her we would be there all the way and support her throughout. During one of her visits to Cape Town, Jonathan even had to administer her injections while she was staying with us!
Before our first visit to the gynaecologist, we were extremely nervous about how we would be received. We understood that the possibility of the three of us arriving at an appointment would create some awkwardness, but we were met with the complete opposite reaction. The support and care we received from medical and administrative staff throughout was mindblowing.
Trust and respect played a tremendous part during the months of pregnancy. Because we did not have a pregnant woman in our home, it was difficult at first for us to comprehend the emotions of having a child. We lived by each week’s update on his development and how Anne was experiencing the pregnancy. Because of this, we read so much about fertility and pregnancy we even surprised doctors with our knowledge! Early on in the pregnancy, we decided to prepare our nursery so it could be a room where we could gather our thoughts while waiting for our little one.
Finally we received a call to say it was time. Anne’s water had broken a week earlier than the planned caesarean! A nerve-racking flight and drive to the hospital gave us 15 minutes to spare before we heard his first cry.
As soon as William was born he was brought to us for some wonderful moments of skin-to-skin; our minds flooded with emotions and the age-old question; “What do we do now?” We waited for Anne in the recovery room to make sure she was alright. Only months ago a stranger, now she had given birth to our son and she was brimming with smiles and glowing with pride at seeing us with William.
After three nights we were discharged from the hospital, which was a bittersweet moment as we had to say goodbye to Anne. She had endured months of medication, injections and the discomforts of pregnancy. Not once did she complain, taking each challenge in her stride so that we would have our own family.
It was a mutual understanding that we did not have to have any contact after the birth, but she has become so much part of our family that we look forward to the contact we will continue to have with her and her children.
But we had to go our separate ways – she home to her family and us to begin our journey with our baby. Now that we are home, settling in and finding our feet, we learnt that no book can prepare you for this journey. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but it took a couple of people throughout the country to realise our dream and a whole lot more to encourage us all the way! When we started considering surrogacy, we discovered there was very little information available, especially in South Africa. If we did find any, it was vague and did not always give all the “hidden” information and costs that we needed to consider. We were very fortunate to have worked with an incredible team of people who guided us every step of the process.
And if it weren’t for our surrogate’s love and compassion, we would not have this story to tell. We want to share our positive experience with intended parents and surrogates and provide them with information and guidance through the whole process.
*Not her real name to protect her identity.
Jonathan and Arthur met 11 years ago and have been married for three. Jonathan is a communications specialist and Arthur a university lecturer. As new parents, they want to share everything from pregnancy to prams from a dad’s point of view.
Follow their journey on Instagram@2dadslad.
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