Unchain your lockdown heart
GUIDELINES: TRY MELTING MOMENTS IN MASKS OR HAVE SEX THROUGH HOLE IN A BARRIER
Sexy Zoom parties are an option, or get trusted person as pandemic partner.
Pandemic life is tough on everyone. But for a single person, the prospect of dating and sex, while social distancing to avoid a potentially life-threatening respiratory illness, feels impossible.
How do you date without touching or kissing? How do you have sex without breathing on your partner and putting each other at risk?
“I’ve gone at least two months without sex or other physical connection and even in my 50s, that’s a long time,” said one man from Austin, who asked not to be named. “My only venture outside has been to walk the dogs and run a very rare errand, for Pete’s sake. Dating seems even a more remote possibility.”
When the man, who is gay, raised the issue with his online therapy group, he was surprised by the compassionate response. “Overall, folks were supportive, knowing that we need connection, dating and sex,” he said.
A number of public health agencies have offered tips for dating and sex during the pandemic, but the New York City health department has recently updated its Safer Sex and Covid-19 fact sheet with more-detailed and descriptive advice. The new guidelines still say “you are your safest sex partner”, and that the “next safest partner” is someone in your household.
However, the guidance also acknowledges that not everyone has access to an exclusive sex partner at home. People who are dating or “hooking up” should still try to minimise close contacts. Safer sex during Covid-19 also means wearing a mask and avoiding kissing.
“Heavy breathing and panting can spread the virus further,” it says. A recent commentary from Harvard University researchers also recommended that people wear a mask during sex with someone from outside their household.
The New York City guidelines discourage group sex, but give advice for those who do “decide to find a crowd”. “Pick larger, more open, ventilated spaces,” it states, among other things.
Individuals can try to find creative alternatives to traditional sex, such as sex toys, masturbating together and sexy Zoom parties, or they could try to “make it a little kinky”, the guidelines state, suggesting, among other things, people can avoid close contact by having sex through holes in walls or other barriers.
“Be creative with sexual positions and physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face-toface contact,” the guidelines state.
If the language seems surprisingly direct, it’s supposed to be, said D Demetre Daskalakis, deputy commissioner for disease control at the New York City department of health and mental hygiene. “Abstinence for the duration of the pandemic is not going to work.” Daskalakis said the updated guidelines are in addition to existing guidelines for safer sex to lower risk for sexually transmitted disease, and they are a response to hundreds of questions New Yorkers are asking. The new rules also advise people who decide to hook up to get tested monthly for coronavirus, or within five to seven days of a hook-up.
They caution that a confirmed case of Covid-19 or a positive antibody test isn’t definitive proof of immunity from reinfection.
Daskalakis said the tone of the updated guidelines was inspired by a 1983 pamphlet, written during the start of the Aids crisis, called How to Have Sex During an Epidemic, which pioneered the public health strategy of harm reduction and safer sex.
“You can’t tell people to stop being human,” said David Lau
It’s still possible to explore new relationships
terstein, founder of the Nasty Pig men’s clothing brand in New York and an lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community leader who helped with the concept of the guidelines. “People are going to have sex. When they’re not educated, they’re going to make bad choices.”
While the new guidelines give people detailed advice about safer sex, many single people say it’s tough to imagine even getting to the point of having sex because of the limits imposed by social distancing and the challenges of trusting other people to take needed precautions.
Wendy Worthington, 45, who lives in St George, Utah, had hoped to stay connected through online dating during the pandemic. She was excited after meeting someone on a dating app but after some promising “witty banter” from him, she expressed wariness about meeting in person during the early stages of the crisis. The man immediately blocked her.
“It was the tip-off that not everyone was going to view what’s going on the way I do or take it as seriously as I was taking it,” she said. “Most people were too nonchalant about it.”
Julia Marcus, an infectious disease epidemiologist and assistant professor in the department of population medicine at Harvard Medical School, said the guidance for single people who want to date is much the same as for people who have partners: Practise social distancing, socialise and dine outdoors and keep your overall number of contacts low.
But single people have the added challenge of minimising risk while trying to date. While there’s no formula to tell you how many dates with different people are safe, try to reduce your other contacts.
If you meet someone who is worthy of mask-free time, talk about how they live their daily life. How many contacts do they have? Do they live with multiple room-mates? Or do they have a grandparent they see regularly, which would require you to take extra precautions if you become intimate?
“Now you have to have those conversations before you even make out,” said Marcus. “You basically have to have the safe sex conversation before kissing.”
In the Netherlands, public health officials advised that locked-down singles find a trusted person with whom to have an exclusive sexual relationship, even if it wasn’t a potential longterm partnership.
But despite the challenges, starting a new relationship during a pandemic is possible. Sam Goldman, 28, a finance director for a Boston media company, connected on the dating app, Hinge, with a woman who had relocated to the city to live with her parents during the pandemic. Goldman lives alone so he has taken precautions like social distancing and limiting contacts to protect the woman and her family. He said he hoped his experience showed others it’s possible to explore new relationships, despite the pandemic.