Devil is in the angel dust

My daughter’s dog overdosed and died recently. He was a junkie and it was just a matter of time. It’s rare to hear about domestic pets or even farmyard animals turning to illicit substances, but it doesn’t mean they’re not out there getting off their faces on drugs that are freely available in the forests and fields.

It ended badly for poor little Yonder who turned up on their Costa Rican doorstep a couple of years ago.

Just sitting there, patiently waiting for them to wake up and let him in so that he might inspect his new home and perhaps have a late breakfast.

He was small and black, like Julius Malema, but with a far more pleasant temperament and not at all prone to violent, incoherent outbursts.

Calm and thoughtful, Yonder made it clear that this was where he intended to live.

My daughter and her husband had avoided getting a dog for fear that such a monumental commitment might mean they’d have to become responsible adults.

Needless to say, having children is completely out of the question. On the upside, I’ll never be a grandfather. There might not be a downside.

Yonder had no intention of leaving. He would look at them as if it were them and not he who were behaving irrationally. It took a few days for their hard Millennial hearts to melt and accept him as the third member of their family. He had a disturbing habit of suddenly running into the jungle screaming at the top of his miniature lungs in hot pursuit of unseen but smellable creatures of the bush.

I don’t know why he screamed. It was his least attractive quality. When he first did it, we all raced to his rescue, fully expecting to find his hindquarters protruding from the hideous jaws of a giant boa constrictor. It was simply his hunting cry and it set our nerves on edge and made us turn to drink every time he did it, which was around seven times a day.

What we didn’t know was that he was becoming a junkie. A little furry addict with glittering eyes and a dark, dirty secret. At night, when he was ostensibly out for a last wee before bedtime, he’d sniff out a cane toad and give it a good licking. Twenty minutes later he’d stagger in, cross-eyed and drooling. He must’ve been in his early twenties in human years, and who among us can honestly say we haven’t done the same when we were young.

His adoptive parents would wash his mouth out with water and wipe his gums and the next morning sit him down and tell him that he’d be out on his hairy black ass if he didn’t get his act together. He seemed repentant but then two weeks later he’d go out and get high again. One time they rushed him to the nearest vet on a misty mountain road late at night. By the time they got there, he was straightening out and wanted to play.

Then, a few nights ago, he went big. Gave the biggest toad the licking of its life. Tripping balls, he went stiff as a board and died in my daughter’s arms. Junkies, man. You can give them all the love and they’ll still break your heart.

Anyway. Elections are 42 days away and, like Yonder, many of us are going to need some kind of stimulant to make it through. The trick is not to OD before the results are out.

For ANC supporters, I’d recommend alcohol. It imbues the user with a false sense of optimism and makes you do stupid things. Like vote for the ANC. Voters’ remorse will set in on 30 May, followed by a five-year hangover.

DA supporters should take a corticosteroid. Prednisone, perhaps. It’s not a particularly powerful drug, but then the DA isn’t a particularly powerful party. Like other steroids, prednisone can help you see more clearly but may cause permanent vision loss over time. Same with voting for the DA.

I’d advise EFF supporters to take phencyclidine. Also known as angel dust, it causes you to become agitated, delusional and irrational. With these qualities, a member of the EFF ground forces can climb through the ranks and become an under-secretary to the chief secretary in the ministry of secretaries in as little as 10 years.

MK party members should take something from the hallucinogen family to reinforce their altered sense of reality.

Psychedelics produce changes in perception (we can win this election), mood (f**k, we lost the election) and cognitive processes (my brain hurts).

Freedom Front Plus members should take benzodiazepines. They slow down activity in the brain, which helps prevent wishful thinking, and blocks the formation of new memories, one of which might well be another ANC victory at the polls.

I could continue but I won’t.

He was small and black, like Julius Malema, but with a far more pleasant temperament