Look at life and death

WHAT gets people talking about death in ways that makes them feel more powerfully alive? Author Helena Dolny’s quest for an answer and belief that we need to talk about living and dying, inspired an eight-year learning journey and resulted in Before Forever After.

This book includes the stories of many ordinary people facing challenging circumstances, as well as well-known figures such as Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu, liberation struggle hero Joe Slovo (to whom Dolny was married) and the iconic Nelson Mandela.

The 57 stories in Before Forever After invite the reader to consider important questions such as: how do you want to live your life? Do you have secrets that might hurt loved ones following your death? What rituals do you want at the end of your life?

In this Q& A, Dolny gives insight into her motivation to cover the topic.

What inspired you to write the book?

I wrote the book for my then 29 year-old-daughter, Tessa.

She’d experienced a death and asked me if I had something to read. On a whim, I sat down to write the outline of the book I’d wish to give to her . . . That was the beginning!

How would you describe it?

I hope it’s a book that will move your heart and spark conversations – a collection of more than 50 narrative non-fiction stories organised around nine themes.

What’s extraordinary is that the stories are ordinary. I wanted readers to be able to identify with the characters.

What is its primary message?

More talking: less suffering. That’s the primary message for me. Death is inevitable and our losing of those we love is a painful experience, but I believe I’ve witnessed people suffering even more because of conversations that hadn’t happened or weren’t concluded.

Who is the primary reader?

Once you reach the age when you have to make decisions for yourself, then the book is relevant to you. How do you want to live? What attention are you giving to relationships as well as professional fulfillment?

What do you hope readers will take from it?

The underlying message is a call to action to have conversations with yourself and others, to be decisive, to undertake some important paperwork.

Is talking about death not a depressing subject?

I haven’t found it depressing, otherwise the last eight years of my life would have been miserable. Whereas in fact they’ve been my happiest years.

It’s true that some of the stories have made me weep, but feeling pain and sadness is part of our humanity and make us realise we are very much alive.

There’s a Lorca poem along the lines of: ‘There was a thorn in my heart. I could feel the pain. I took out the thorn. I couldn’t feel my heart.’

What did you learn writing the book?

I personally need to “do” less and “be” more! . . . being present versus being busy . . .

I learnt more about “the joy factor”, that you can be very ill, but life will offer nuggets of joy that make you want to continue living . . . once these are gone, then there’s a readiness to go.

Thirdly, I gained insight into elderliness . . .

Before Forever After is available at Amazon and bookstores. Visit www.helenadolny.com