Toxic communication clutters to avoid
Lack of proper communication remains an undisputed reason for divorce in SA.
There are some many noises — internally and externally — that can cause clutter in how you interact as a couple. Few are as toxic as these four:
Emotional dumping
Thes are acts of unconsciously sharing your feelings or perspectives without regard for your partner.
Emotional dumping is toxic, selfish and does not consider the emotional space of the other person.
Your partner walks away feeling overwhelmed and weighed-down.
It occurs when you are just concerned about offloading your frustrations and challenges without reciprocity.
The person who is emotionally dumping usually has a victim mindset and no accountability for their role on whatever frustrates them.
Generally, they are not interested in resolving the issue. The whole world is always against them, and them only.
How to manage it?
● Set boundaries around how much you allow your partner to offload on you when you are under the weather yourself.
● Develop a friendship with your partner that is based on mutual respect and regard for each another.
● Avoid bringing up multiple issues at once when discussing why you are upset. Deal with one issue at a time, and give your partner an opportunity to vent theirs as well.
● Have an open mindset that you may have made mistakes and that finding solutions can help resolve the matter.
Rudeness disguised as straight-talking
There are straight-talkers but there are just plain rude partners.
Straight-talking is about sensitively delivering an honest and direct message. It’s being blunt and frank, yet sensitive and measured.
When you’re a straight-talker, you consider your partner’s feelings and find a way of frankly getting the message across without being disparaging. After dealing with you, your partner doesn’t feel lessthan or demeaned.
Rudeness is inconsiderate, offensive and bad mannered. It is aggressive, impolite and forces your partner to defend themselves as they feel attacked.
Straight-talking isn’t mean. It’s focused on the point. Narcissism
A narcissistic partner has an inflated sense of self-importance. It’s a disorder that causes someone to believe the world revolves around them.
Not only do they have a poor sense of boundaries, but they don’t like others setting boundaries for them.
They even feel above the law, including disregarding court orders, and find boundaries easy to violate. They are never wrong, and like to win and maintain control.
How to manage it?
● Understand that their actions come from a place of emptiness. Many people with narcissistic tendencies, especially those officially diagnosed by mental health experts, don’t behave the way they do on purpose. Narcissistic behaviour is an expression of deep wounds and hurt. The validation of their identity and selfworth is deeply embedded on taking others down.
● Consider your mental health. Narcissists are capable of devouring people with their selfish needs and demands while eroding their partners’ self-worth. Don’t defer your happiness and mental wellbeing to how your spouse treats you. Be responsible for your own happiness, and make decisions that will ensure your sanity.
● Push through the retaliation. When you set enforceable boundaries against a narcissist, you will experience abuse, fallouts and pushbacks. Expect them. They will interpret your boundaries as a narcissistic injury and won’t hesitate to cross them just to see what your next step will be — much like a toddler. To withstand the retaliation you need to remain resolute and steadfast. Set your boundaries and stick by them without compromise.
● Decide what you will tolerate. A key component of setting healthy boundaries is knowing when to say no and doing so. Ask yourself what you are willing to accept from your spouse and what you won’t. For example, you may be OK with goodnatured banter but not sarcasm, or passionate expressions of opinions but not name-calling or bullying.
Unfiltered venting
Then there are partners who speak without tact, but just blurt out their thoughts. These are partners who think with their mouths without the consideration of the other partner or who they blurt out to about their partner, and how what they say would ultimately affect the partner.
Careless venting has no regard for audience, situation or time. The partner speaks when they feel like it, however the feel and with whoever cares to listen without due consideration of their partner.
“But I tell my mom everything!” Well, that may have been the case before you got married. But now, your primary allegiance is to your spouse, not your parents, siblings or friends. And one of the best ways to build trust in your marriage is to preserve your spouse’s privacy and reputation in this way. Careless venting also creates an unhealthy dynamic in their relationship with your spouse.
Make it your first choice to talk to about what your’spouse s bothering directly you. However, give yourself some space to cool off, get your heart in the right place, and come back together and work out your conflict together as a team. Make sure your goal is understanding and connection, rather than being right.
Should you need some third-party perspective, decide together in advance, not in the heat of the conflict, whose marriage you both admire, trust and feel comfortable with to speak to. Find a level-headed person with a healthy marriage that is rooting for the two of you more than they are rooting for you individually. Confide in someone who you know will always steer you back to each other and towards a healthy relationship, rather than simply validating your frustrations.