A reminder not to take all conflicts personally
We start our year with an easy but important conflict dynamic — a simple reminder not to take all conflicts personally.
Of course some conflicts are intensely personal, and should be approached as such, but often we lose sight of the interests behind seemingly personal attacks, the insults and the conduct of our opponent.
The personal aspects of a conflict are often the loud parts, unfortunately hiding what we should really be looking at.
The anxieties and irritations of a conflict tend to subtly convince us the opponent is the enemy.
This leads to an internal process of vilification, setting up a target that needs to be destroyed for us to achieve our goals.
This is where we become vulnerable to a range of strategic conflict disadvantages and get drawn into the insults and threats that may have become the most pronounced aspect of the conflict.
Understanding this has nothing to do with being polite or helping our opponent; it is simply to your own strategic advantage to see accurately and clearly what is happening, and how to respond to your best advantage.
This realisation, some reflection and a bit of experience allow us to see behind the din and drama of a personalised conflict.
This has advantages, such as a clearer assessment of what is going on and what is needed
— our opponent’s actual motivations and what an appropriate response should be.
Your skill in this will provide context and balance as opposed to a negatively escalating conflict when we respond with tit for tat, and personalise the conflict.
Being able to separate the seemingly personal attacks from the conflict’s essence does not mean you are in agreement with your opponent, or that you need to accept bad behaviour.
It simply makes you significantly more effective in such conflicts.
It may also salvage a valuable relationship once the conflict has run its course.
Try to see, despite the words and actions, that many conflicts are less personal than we think.
I wish the readers of The Herald a healthy and happy 2024.
● You can contact André Vlok