Anger can help resolve conflicts if used correctly

We conclude our brief study of the constructive use of anger in our conflicts, in this the third part of the series.

Sixth, when you are discussing someone else’s anger in their presence and while it is occurring, be careful of using the term “anger” when describing their conduct or emotions.

It is a word loaded with a lot of baggage for some people, and it is often seen as a weakness or a lapse of judgment.

If the topic gets discussed constructively consider replacing it with something like “frustration”.

Seventh, learn to listen while these angry events occur.

When we get hooked into the responding tit-for-tat response cycle we tend to lose sight of valuable signs and hints, information that we can use.

Listen to what is said, but also to what is not said, what lies behind the words.

Conflict is often a cry for help, an invitation for understanding, a suggestion that things could be different.

Eight, do not downplay or deny an angry situation.

This is a popular strategy, we downplay an angry outburst or words said, and when this is done while the event is still ongoing it often leads to escalation.

That topic is important to the angry person, and downplaying it (often with good intentions) simply gets experienced as disrespect or an unwillingness to understand the person’s position.

Acknowledge and be honest about what is going on and what is being discussed. No sugar coating.

From these examples we notice that anger is a powerful emotion that can destroy relationships, and yet it can, when channelled wisely, be used to move conflicts out of their ruts, create new solutions to those conflicts, and it can even lead to better understanding between the parties.

The emphasis must be on the skilful and wise use of that anger (your own, or that of the other party).

Anger is often a sign in that conflict that there is still life, hope and a wish for resolution left in the people involved.

Next week we consider the harm that political conflicts can bring to relationships.

(This series is an edited extract from the chapter on interpersonal conflict strategies as can be found in my book Dangerous Magic).

● You can contact Andre Vlok at andre@conflictresolution centre.co.za

ANDRE VLOK