Handling conflict in the home

We continue our series on conflict strategies that could benefit us and our loved ones in marital conflicts.

The differentiation dance

Conflict research shows us the dangers of rushing our conflicts. We do this for several good reasons.

We do not want conflict to linger in our home, we may be conflict-avoidant, we may wish to prevent an escalation of the conflict, or our favourite television programme may be about to start.

For these reasons we rush to conclusion, to (as we may see it at the time) resolution.

As understandable as this may be, it skips a very important part that is necessary in most conflict, especially the more complex one, and that is the so-called differentiation phase.

This is where parties share information, make their positions on issues clear, and send each other a lot of verbal and non-verbal messages about other items of information that may be of crucial importance later in their relationship, such as possible concessions, how important the conflict is to them, clues about related fears and concerns and so on.

If we now skip or rush this differentiation phase, we lose all of that information, and we do not get to share our side with each other.

This may bring about a short-term resolution, but we should be careful to not oversimplify any complex conflicts this way.

An argument about dinner is not always about dinner, and in the wonderfully interlinked web that is family life our rush to finalisation may cost us valuable opportunities to better understand, air and resolve conflicts and concerns.

The differentiation phase is a crucial phase in all important conflicts, and it is often made more difficult because, on the one hand we need this important information, but on the other hand this is often also the shrill, angry phase of a conflict, where people share that information while angry, scared or working through difficult emotions.

Getting this phase wrong now leads to negative conflict outcomes such as conflict avoidance or rigidity, distrust and miscommunication and it becomes increasingly difficult to correct mistakes made during this phase.

Good fences make good ... partners

We sometimes confuse the simple practical reality of living with someone, where we share our most intimate secrets, fears, wishes and thoughts, with not having emotional boundaries.

Modern conflict research and practice have returned us to a place where certain psychological and emotional boundaries are recognised as being good, even necessary, for the relationship.

This research also shows how often the irritation and conflict that arise from a breach of such boundaries can be attributed mainly to those boundaries not being established and maintained with sufficient clarity by the party that wants them respected.

This simply reminds us that we should take responsibility for making our own emotional and psychological boundaries clear to our partner.

These boundaries do not need any specific penalty or consequence to be a part of the exercise (that can be considered as and when the conflict escalates), but the real value lies in the existence of that boundary.