Speaker’s corner

THE OTHER day I came across a 20-year-old folder containing parodies of nursery rhymes sent in by readers and which I thought one day might make a book. It still

might.

My secretary, Threnody Higginbottom had filed it – as she does with all my stuff – under M for Miscellaneous. I’ve relabelled it, “Parodies Lost”.

It was Craig Ntsiruweni Mukhuba in 1994 who planted the idea of inviting my readers to contribute parodies. Craig sent me a sample – an old rhyme that he’d come across: Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two chunks of bread. I invited readers to send in more parodies of Mary had a Little Lamb. The response was brilliant. Pat Witten in Orkney sent: Mary had a little lamb Also pork and beef and stew She used to be size 34 Now she’s a 42.

Sed Logan roasted Mary’s lamb – as did most readers: Mary bought a super lamb All muscle, lean and tense She walked it round the office block To teach it traffic sense. It followed her to work one day But the traffic made it scurry Now Mary has her super lamb With mint sauce or with curry. HWA of Benoni sent: Mary had a little lamb She kept it for some years Then, well done at a barbeque She served it with some beers. Neville Brooks submitted: Mary had a little lamb It attached itself to Tutu The noble prelate seized his chance And served it, stewed, with putu. Julie Hall sent: Mary had a little lamb And a dad who hated wasting So when it spilt the olive oil It got a good lambasting.

I particularly liked this from Terry Edwards: Mary had a vertically disadvantaged lamb Its fleece of colour lacked I know this neither rhymes nor scans But it’s politically correct.

The challenge graduated to parodies of other rhymes. Des Hilton of Port Elizabeth sent: Hey diddle diddle The cat did a piddle Behind the kitchen door The little dog laughed to see such fun So the cat did a little more.

Another particularly bright contributor was Ivan Israelstam whom, I seem to recall, was a mathematician at Wits: I got this little pill at the market And this little pill’s for the runs This little pill’s for fast relief And this little pill’s for the tum And this little pill’s so I don’t wee wee wee all the way home

This was sent in from “anonymous”: Hush-a-bye baby, hush you to sleep Daddy’s gone golfing to win the club sweep. If he plays nicely – I hope that he will – Mother will show him her dressmaker’s bill. Hush-a- bye baby, safe in your pram Daddy’s come back – did you hear the door slam? Snuggle down closer, baby of mine Daddy went round in a hundred and nine.