Speaker’s corner
IHAVE for some time been writing for Diversions, a South African leisure magazine for the medical professions and I have permission to share with you its collection of “medical clippings”: For sale: One dozen Mothercare nappies used only once (Oxford Mail).
A cinema usherette turned to prostitution because the job proved too hard on her feet. (Southend Evening Echo).
A long-term study of contraceptive methods is highly favourable to the diaphragm, with researchers finding “no material risks” other than pregnancy. (International Herald Tribune).
A lady medical graduate from India with three years gynaecology and obstetrics seeks suitable opening. (Khaleej Times).
Contraceptive Services Section. On the job training will be given. (Hillington Mirror).
The medical and legal professions have produced some wonderful, unintentional, humour over the years. The Canadian equivalent of Diversions reprinted some – all heard in the courtroom. One has to hand it to court reporters for managing not to laugh. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?” Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8.30 pm. Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No Q: Then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.