‘He would tell me I had no-one’
Poverty places many women and children at high risk of abuse
NO CELLPHONE, no access to social media and financially dependent on her abuser. These are common signs of an abusive relationship and with the start of the annual 16 Days of Activism for No Violence Against Women and Children today, two women have spoken out about enduring a violent or abusive relationship.
Both women are in a shelter, being watched over by Durban social worker Philile Blose.
The Independent on Saturday was allowed access to the shelter and because of their ongoing fear of their abusers, the names of both woman have been changed.
As we start the interview, Nonhlanhla and Keshnie are very guarded and anxious. They often look down, avoiding direct eye contact. Both are involved in a sewing project and their hands are busy. Keeping the memories at bay.
“Nonhlanhla was married for over a decade and during that time was repeatedly abused by her husband. Most of the time he was shouting and abusing me verbally, but he also hit me. I think his abuse started from jealousy. He would not allow me to use social media and I kept a phone hidden from him.
“Having WhatsApp gave me contact with outside people and it really helped to have that support. I have no parents or siblings and he would always tell me ‘you have no-one’, it was really crippling,” says Nonhlanhla.
But she did have a couple of friends, who, she admits, “knew I was in a bad place”. Then the day came when he beat her so badly that it was time to escape in order to save her own life.
“I sent one of my friends a message who came back to me saying ‘run while you still have legs’. I didn’t wait,” she says.
Although she took out a protection order, her husband continued to follow her or send someone else to follow her. It was at that point, about six months ago, that she moved into hiding at the shelter.
“At first, if I tried to talk about it. I felt like crying but I can talk about it now. I don’t have that same stress and I have learned how to be free. I feel I am moving forward with my life,” adds Nonhlanhla.
The second abuse survivor is Keshnie, who is in her early 20s and was raped by a family friend. She used to have lots of friends and a busy social life.
For a few moments she tries to summon up the courage to talk about it, but the words won’t come. Her eyes speak volumes about the pain she is going through. She moves into the present.
“I like doing the sewing and jewellery, it helps me a lot to forget. When I first came here, I was confused and scared. I still have hot flashes at night. Being here in the shelter is helping to create a sense of independence again,” she says.
Blose says Keshnie is still seeing a team of therapists and her case is currently in court.
A third woman in the shelter who had initially agreed to be part of the interview, fled to the sanctuary of her room. Blose says she was also isolated from her family and friends.
“Her husband was physically assaulting her, but he also controlled her and no social media was allowed. When she was assaulted she would go home for the weekend, but could not bring herself to tell her family what was really happening,” says Blose.
And with the 16 Days of Activism campaigns being launched across the country this weekend until December 10, anti-abuse NGO, Women and Men Against Child Abuse (WMACA) spokesperson, Ngaa Murombedzi, said this year has seen an increase in violence against women and children.
“This is based only on cases that have been reported and documented, so it is not a conclusive stance on abuse, but from the reported cases there has been an increase,” she said.
Murombedzi added that violence against women and children “does not discriminate and there is no socio-economic framework of who it affects. Abuse takes place at all levels of society.”
She said while there are many factors leading to abuse, research has shown that children who have been victims of or exposed to abuse, either through witnessing domestic violence or growing up around abuse, are more likely than not to be perpetrators.
Murombedzi highlighted that emotional desire is also a major contributing factor to the vulnerability of children to abuse.
“It is a driving force that can lead people, not only children, to become victims unknowingly,” she said.
While abuse does take place in all levels of society, poverty places young women more at risk.
“A young female child who grows up in an impoverished environment has not been exposed to measures to become self-sufficient, so she can find herself at the mercy of men and women who will abuse them emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally,” said Murombedzi.