Women who are conquering abuse by talking about it
FIVE women, each with their own tragic tale of abuse, have stood up and become the faces of abuse. Called the Conquerors for having turned their lives around, they are now urging women to come forward and break the violent cycle. Below are summaries of their experiences. Francesa Fondse The Johannesburg businesswoman and author had been in an abusive relationship.
“It didn’t make sense as I was educated and ran my own business, and yet this was happening to me.
“I believe my partner was a narcissist. In fact, if you’re a professional woman, you are most likely the one who has a lethal partner. I know many professional women who are too scared because of the stigma attached to being abused and reporting it, and yet you still have to go and face a boardroom full of men.”
Fondse recently came out of a divorce, and said that had impacted on her business badly.
“It saddens me that the divorce was bad. There were lengthy waits in court and my business suffered. The women whom I employed are now working part-time, and this means my divorce impacted on their families and homes. This is the effect of violence, many people suffer,” she said. Sandra Moodley The Durbanite said her cycle of abuse began when she was in her teens, and a strict Indian upbringing meant an early marriage.
“As soon as I finished matric I was married. I was not allowed to speak to any unmarried male and I suffered the abuse quietly. Unexpectedly, three months later, my husband died. Being so young, my depression only set in a year later.
“I became involved with a man and got married. I was in another abusive, controlling, and economically dependent relationship. He left me for a younger woman.
“I lost so much weight with the stress. One night he came to visit and forced himself on me. I moved to Gauteng and met a younger man and he too was financially demanding and he abused my two young sons. After six years I left him.
“I felt used, stupid, depressed and without confidence. I use my story to encourage women to be strong.” Maureen Ndlovu Ndlovu was beaten so badly by the man she loved, she almost died. She was rescued by a passing security officer.
“I didn’t know what had happened to me. My boyfriend had told people I had been hijacked. I was not in my right senses so I did not know either,” she said.
When she remembered what had happened, she confronted him and he threatened her and her son.
“During that time I was on medication and became addicted to sleeping pills. I was drowsy most of the time. One day the investigating officer came to see me, and he raped me. I fell pregnant but I wanted to keep the baby.”
During her time in hospital and the psychiatric unit, Ndlovu began writing about her experiences. The result is a book, Connecting the Dots Backwards.
“If I can survive all that, then so can you,” she said. Meisi Nong Gauteng pastor and professional nurse Nong was once a prostitute.
“But don’t judge me. I was not a prostitute by choice. I was there to take revenge on men.”
Nong had been sexually abused since she was a baby, raped by the family members who were meant to protect her.
“I couldn’t believe all this was happening to me. I was angry as a child. But I knew I wanted better,” she said.
At school, she was raped by a teacher.
She became involved in a prostitution ring in which the men were targeted, with the aim of destroying their lives.
“We stole their money, their IDs… I just wanted revenge. I couldn’t stand any man.”
Nong went on to gain her nursing qualification, helping girls who showed signs of being abused.
Now, she is a pastor, helping a wider community. Marietjie Bothma Famously known as the white girl who spoke fluent Zulu in the King Pie advert, Bothma said not many people knew the real her.
“I was born in the 1980s, born to a woman who sold her body to survive. At the age of 3 months I was raped. At 8 months my mother abandoned me. At 10 months I was adopted by a pastor and his family. They made it known that they did not want me. When we moved from Gauteng to KwaZulu-Natal, my foster father, the pastor, was raping me and other children in the church,” she said.
In Grade 7 (then Standard 5), Bothma said her foster parents took her out of school and made her work on a farm. This is where she started learning languages.
“They soon disowned me as I began talking about what was happening at home, and I was chased away. I finally found my way to Hillbrow and became a street child, singing for money,” she said.
After a brutal rape, she was in a coma for three months. She went on to have an abusive relationship.
“People know me as this bubbly character but they don’t know the real me. We must all fight to survive,” she said.