Speaker’s corner
NOT long ago I discovered the Dull Men’s Club. It’s slightly reminiscent of Densa, the club I founded for those too stupid to qualify for Mensa – the international society for the very bright. I am a Densan. At our meetings we swop comics and do silly things like run around with scissors until somebody gets hurt. Then we all say sorry to each other and go home.
The Dull Men’s Club is in Washington and it involves itself in all sorts of activities which we Densans can only stand in awe of when thinking about them. Pursuits such as tractor spotting or doing constructive things with peanut butter.
A similar club over here could organise a visit to Umhlali or Eshowe.
You have to be a dull person before you can join, of course. Reading about it I realised I am probably a dull person myself and could even form one of their Sigs – Special Interest Groups – like collecting pictures of Winnie Madikizela Mandela.
When I was 12 I collected tin can labels from foreign countries. I had one from a tin of pineapple rings from Australia. Later I took up train spotting which was more exciting.
Grover Click (seriously, that’s his name), vice-president of the Dull Men’s Club in Washington, DC, was asked: “Why would a woman want to meet a Dull Man?”
Click said: “Dull Men are reliable. That’s what a woman usually wants. Or should want. Someone who is dependable, someone they can count on.
“A Dull Man helps around the house. He picks up after himself. He puts things away neatly. He wipes up. We are often found going around the house wiping things.” (Hey, that’s me! I can’t stop wiping but then I have to because I spill a lot .)
He goes on to say a woman is better off with a Dull Man and that “some women are single parents now because they married a flash guy. If they’d married a Dull Man they’d probably still be married”.
He says that if a girl goes to a party with a Dull Man she needn’t worry about someone stealing him because they’ll be looking at the exciting guys. I suppose most girls aren’t interested in a fellow with a row of pens in his top pocket and with his jacket buttoned up.
A good place to look for a dull guy is in a bookshop – particularly the reference section and the self-help section – and also in computer shops where customers are mostly men and mostly Dull.
The Dull Men’s website (http://www. dullmen.com) reports a visit to a coat hanger exhibition that received high ratings. “Thrilling” and “Very worthwhile” – these were words used in some of the rave reviews by members after visiting the exhibition on American Coat Hangers in Tribeca. “Wow,” said Homer A Halquist when looking at one of the hangers. “What balance!”
Dull Men value balance. Even Homer’s initials are in balance, two “H”es with an “A” in between. HAH. My initials are terribly unbalanced – JFC – and sound like KFC’s Johannesburg branch.
One coat hanger collector says he gets his hangers on trips, mainly from hotels but sometimes from airliners. I find it more fulfilling to collect little pieces of hotel soap.
As a public service the DMC is building up a database of airport luggage carousels and whether they go clockwise or counterclockwise so you are not caught out when you land. I’ve offered to help. I suggest you note these down: Istanbul: clockwise London Gatwick: counter-clockwise Vienna: clockwise Guam: counter-clockwise Osaka: clockwise. Helsinki International: counterEast London: out of order Umtata: No carousel. Luggage tossed off plane. Some land underneath it. Some land way beyond the terminal.