Speaker’s corner
THEY say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. The above was said by the American professional golfer, Gardner Dickinson, and was sent to me by Alison Mortimer. I am using it because today is International Newspaper Columnists’ Day.
On this day it is customary for columnists the world over to allow readers to take over their columns. This allows us to go home early and see if there’s anything interesting in the fridge. So please welcome Alison, who sent me Dickinson’s quote and who also sent these: The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. – Evangelist, Billy Graham.
Eighteen holes of matchplay will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. – Grantland Rice.
Man blames fate for all other accidents but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. – Bishop Sheen.
I don’t say my golf game is bad but if I grew tomatoes they’d come up sliced. – Arnold Palmer.
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. – Jimmy DeMaret
May thine ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. – Ben Hogan
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. – Lee Trevino Some aphorisms: And now welcome Hugh Farquharson, who has some aphorisms to share. Aphorisms are short sentences that neatly express an observation: The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make it wag its tail.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. Trying to be punny: A number of readers have sent me this list of puns: Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
A pessimist’s blood type is always B-negative.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. He used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
When you dream in colour, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
Reading while sunbathing makes you wellred.
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. When two egotists meet it’s an I for an I. What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!)
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A lot of money is tainted. Taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg is hard to beat. When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done. i spy with my little i: Michael Pohl tells of somebody who bought his son an iPhone for his birthday and, more recently, bought his daughter an iPod for hers.
He was thrilled when the family clubbed together and bought him an iPad for Father’s Day.
He then bought his wife an iRon for her birthday. It was around then that the fight started... Thank you, kind readers. Keep it up.