Speaker’s corner
SOME time ago in this column, I mentioned in a brief language lesson that “footsy-footsy” in German is footzentrampenundcruschen. A reader calling himself Heinz Spitzenkrakken took issue with me. He claimed I made the word up and that I am trying to belittle Germans and why don’t I drag up the War as well while I am about it?
Me? Make things up? I am prepared to place my hand on a stack of baubles that I never make things up.
Chuck Reigel, a rather more helpful reader, has applauded the way I try to educate readers by sharing my knowledge of languages.
Konengariket sverige, Chuck! (That’s Bulgarian for “Thank you ever so much.”)
Chuck also sent me a list of German motoring terms which he believes readers will find useful. I pass them on to you in the name of knowledge furtherancy:
Car indicators: der Blinkenleitentickentocken; bonnet: der Pullnob und knucklechopper; exhaust: der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben; clutch: der Kulink mit schlippen und schaken; puncture: der Phlatt mit Bluddidammenblasten; parking meter: der koinenpinscher und Klockengobbler; windscreen wiper: der Flippenflappen muckenschpredder; brake pedal: der Heddenbangenonvindschreenschtoppenquick; gear lever: Biggenschtick fur Kangarooschtoppen; traffic jam: der Bluddidammund-autoschtukken; rear seat: der Schpringentestermitfraulein und Schnoggenplas; backfire: der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen; skid: der waltzenschleiden.
I might add that this list drove my computer’s schpellenchekken schpittenmad.
While on the subject, Zak McGregor some time back sent me the following notice which he found affixed to a new computer:
ACHTUNG! ALLES TOURISTEN UND NON-TECHNISCHEN LOOKENPEEPERS! Das machine is nicht fur fingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blownfusen und poppencorken mitspitzensparken. Is nicth fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbennekken sightseein keepen das kottenpikken hands in der pokkets, bitter.
On the same topic – languages – Rob Sykes has sent me photographs of Chinese products with English labels obviously derived from computer-generated translations.
On a packet of mixed vegetables: “Big dump in vegetables and fork”; on a microwave dish: Cooking my dog; on a display of herbs: Fresh Herpes.
You can also buy “fried chicken ass” – the picture shows a well done “parson’s nose” or “pope’s nose” as some call it. Ironically, “fried chicken ass”, is about the most practical term I have come across for what my Collins English Dictionary describes as “the fatty extreme end portion of the tail of a fowl when cooked”.
Rob also sends a sign to a Chinese toilet that reads: Feman.
Best of all is this notice in large letters: !!WARNING!! Put the chewing gum eats for myself in the garbage box surely oneself. Do not vomit on the floor, never throw away, never join the stage, and never rub against the wall. Sadly China has embarked upon a campaign to update its entertaining notices.
FUN WORDS: I recently mentioned a Washington Post competition soliciting new meanings for familiar words. Anthea Smith recalls another Post competition inviting hybridised words: Aquadextrous (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bath tap on and off with your toes. Carperpetuation (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. Disconfect (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilise a sweet you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs. Elbonics (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theatre. Phonesia (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialling a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.