Speaker’s corner

AWOMAN marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does. One of the characteristics of the world-wide daily dialogue on the internet is that most of it seems concerned with the four-million-year war between the sexes.

In some instances, jokes against one sex are rearranged and used against the other. An example of a reversible joke is: “Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.”

And this: “The trouble with some women is they get excited about nothing and then they marry him.”

I see there’s now a game on the internet called “Battle of the Sexes’’ inviting men to answer questions about women (and vice versa). I answered five and was told: “You answered 0 out of five questions correctly. You are a Dude Draftee. Have you ever even SEEN a woman before?”

A reader has sent some advice for men on how to answer the five toughest questions women ask men: 1. What are you thinking? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Is she prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes it difficult is that every question can precipitate a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (that is. tells the truth). As a public service each question has been analysed and possible responses are offered below: Question 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer is, of course: “I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the truth which, most likely, is one of the following: a. Saturday’s game. b. Whether to get the car serviced. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order you could say: “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses: a. I suppose so. b. Would you feel better if I said: “Yes?” c. Depends what you mean by love. d. Who, me? Question 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Incorrect answers are: a. Compared with? b. You’re not exactly thin. c. Extra weight looks good on you. d. I’ve seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me? The proper response is, again: “Of course not!” Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality. b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner. c. Not as pretty as you were when you were her age. d. Define pretty. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question 5: What would you do if I died? This is a no-win question (the real answer would be “buy a Ferrari”). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions… Woman: Would you get married again? Man: Definitely not! Woman: Why not? Don’t you like being married? Man: Of course I do. Woman: Then why wouldn’t you remarry? Man: Okay, I’d get married again. Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) Man: Yes, I would. Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed? Man: Where else would we sleep? Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with hers?

Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

Man: She can’t; she’s left-handed.