Speaker’s corner
MRS Williams at Malhurst Primary School, desirous of catching up with the class register after the holidays, gave her class a composition to write about their pets. Belinda Tamsen snatched up her pen and Mrs Williams smiled inwardly for she knew that a few more secrets of the Tamsen family would come tumbling out. Mie Pet Bie Belinda Tamsen Its not reely my dog it belons 2 the hole fambly and it is a littel molteez poodel. Mie daddy corls it Jaws liek in the moovy abowt the grate wite shok witch eet evry-body up and witch I wazint aloud 2 see. Mie dogs reel naim is Pogs but daddy corl it Jaws becoz he say it is orl teeth and it has no sents of yoomer.
Pogs lieks me and I liek Pogs but sumtiems he is very norty and maiks a piddel-puddel in the howse and this maik daddy clime the wall.
Wun nite mummy say they is a bergler in ow howse so daddy gerrup owt of bed and go down the horl with a big nob-kerry stik he orlways keep nest 2 the bed justin cais.
We wer orl sked stiff liek anithink and then we herd a funny cry and a cratch bang!!! an then sum very rood werds witch in-kloo-did Pogs naem kwite a lot. My daddy had put his fut inna piddel-puddel maid by Pogs and it maid him slied seven millyern killer-meeters down the pass-idge inter the dor.
Mummy turn on orl the lites and we orl rush down the pass-idge and ther was daddy inna heep inna piddel-puddel. He showt that bloody dog must go or I go. Mummy sae it is 2 erly inna mornin 2 de-side wich wood be best and in enny-caes ther cuddent hav been a bergler becos Pogs diddent bork wuns an he orlways borks and borks wen they is sumthink that issent kwite rite liek a bergler braking a windo or daddy cummin home fulla pots an we shud orl go back 2 bed.
But then my littel brutha cum owt he bedroom and wen he saw daddy in a heep he got such a frite he wet hisself and ther was now too piddel-puddels onna flor.
Daddy say inna lowd voys how can I go back 2 bed wen mie pee-jormas is orl wet an I havta cleen up orl this mess and then I hafta shower. Wot tiem issit enny-way he orst.
It was fiver-clok so we orl help him cleen the mess and then he go and shower and put on the close he wear 2 the offis.
We then cornt find Pogs an mie daddy sae iffee find him ferst he will kill him ded with a rustee nife.
We fined him unner my bed an daddy showt cum out with yor hans up.
Pog cum owt and role his ies so you cud see the wite and his tale droop and mie daddy showt at him SO LOWD he maik anutha puddel-puddel on the corpit and so did mie littel brutha.
The end.
Free advice
A friend who happens to be doctor of some renown recently passed on a message saying there is no evidence whatsoever that supports the notion that life is serious.
I had asked him how I could lose weight; how could I train myself to walk past the fridge without opening it – a silly question because he is decidedly overweight himself. He said the time to worry would be when I was in danger of weighing more than the refrigerator.
Disastrous food
A reader named Don says a Chicago dietitian told an audience: “Most of the material we put into our stomachs is hazardous, but there is one food, eaten just once, that can cause distress years after eating it? “Who can tell me what what is?” An elderly man said: “Wedding cake.”