Speaker’s corner

ALITTLE while ago, Tracey Shors, professor of psychology in the department of psychology and neuroscience at Rutgers University in America, wrote in Scientific American that brain neurons are constantly regrowing. The more you exercise your mind the more neurons you grow – even in old age.

Apparently exercising the brain is much like exercising your muscles. Okay, you can’t do press-ups with the brain, but you can get it bubbling like porridge by thinking hard.

New neurons come tumbling down into the cranium every time you indulge in heavy thinking but, afterwards, if you revert to watching television and having a beer, the new neurons die off from neglect.

I have always been interested in the brain and often pop upstairs into my cranium and talk to the boys in the various departments.

After reading Professor Shors’s article I popped upstairs and knocked on a door labelled “Pondering Division” and entered (not that I have to knock of course – after all, I own the place). The staff leapt to their feet and tried to look busy.

I gave a boss-like nod of acknowledgement before asking the Head of Pondering (I call him, Hop), “Hop, how’s the neuron situation up here?”

“They’re coming in slowly,” he said. “Every time you write a column three more come tumbling down the chute. On the rare occasion you write about something intelligent, a whole bunch might come down.”

I told him about scientists experimenting on rats and pigs, and finding that mental exercise kept their brains constantly topped up. Then it occurred to me: “Why on Earth use rats and pigs to gauge what makes humans tick?” I noticed this resulted in five or six new shiny neurons rattling down a chute.

Hop said: “What would you rather they use? Earthworms?”

As my mind grappled with this question a single neuron emerged, only to evaporate.

I told Hop about cognitive neuroscience – even as I pronounced this 20 neurons, like little ball bearings, came bouncing into the room. I told him about the imminent advent of silicon brain chips. Thirty more came down.

I explained how one day I could have a chip inserted into my brain and then, without using my fingers, I could operate my PC and eat a hamburger using both hands. My thoughts alone would activate my computer which would instantly reveal what I was thinking.

“But that worries me,” I said. “What if I was having a terribly private thought involving Miss Nicaragua and a bra strap and the boss walked in and saw my screen – or, worse still, what if a member of the family walked in?” Hop said: “Don’t ask me, I just work here.” Scientists dealing with neurons find that alcohol retards the growth of neurons and that physical exercise stimulates growth so why not do press-ups while drinking? An avalanche of little balls cascaded into the room. Workers began skidding about on them.

Apparently, neurons die if not used fairly soon. We are born with countless billions of neurons, but once a child starts passively watching TV or idly playing on a laptop for hours on end the neurons die and the child develops, first, into a teenage turnip and, later, wanders, eyes crossed, into politics. Even more thoughts A good friend of this column, Bentley Cook, has sent me some thoughts “to get you through almost any crisis”:

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. Indecision is the key to flexibility. Facts, although interesting, are often irrelevant.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.