Speaker’s corner

FROM time to time in South Africa, farmers are told not to graze cattle or sheep and are paid by the government for each head of stock they remove. This is to preserve the veld in times of drought. In England it has been done to avoid oversupply within the European Union.

This has now all fallen away with Britain’s defection from the EU, but it caused a lot of confusion while it lasted.

Take this letter to the UK government from a farmer, Nigel Johnson-Hill of Park Farm, Milland, in Sussex. It was addressed to the Secretary of State in the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs… Dear Secretary of State, My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3 000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would like to join the “not rearing pigs” business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on and what is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any government or local authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business.

He has been rearing pigs for 40 years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1 422 in 1968. That is – until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3 000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6 000 for not rearing 100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4 000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240 000 for the first year.

As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say 40 000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department.

Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2 000 tons of cereals. I understand that you pay farmers for not growing crops.

Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don’t rear?

I am also considering the “not milking cows” business, so please send any information you have on that too.

In view of the above you realise that I will be totally unemployed and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

Always a good reason

“Meneer, why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” asked the young lady from Johannesburg on a field trip to the platteland.

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then in a patient tone said: “Well, my dear, cattle can do a lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we trim their horns with a hacksaw. Sometimes we put a couple drops of acid on the horn buds and that stops them developing.

“There are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.

“But the reason this cow doesn’t have horns is because it’s a horse.”