Keep her happy
DETAILS come this way of a demerit system scientifically devised in order to achieve marital bliss. A single overriding rule applies: make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
You have to end up with a surplus at the end of each week, otherwise you’re in big trouble.
Here is a simple, non-exhaustive guide to the points system.
Simple duties: You make the bed (+1). You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows (-3). You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-10). You go out to buy her what she wants (+5), in the rain (+8), but return with Jack Daniels (-5).
Protective duties: You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1). You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0). You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5). You pummel it with an iron rod (+10). It’s her pet Schnauzer (-20).
Social engagements: You stay by her side for the entire party (+1). You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2) named Tina (-10). Tina is a dancer (-10). Tina has breast implants (-40).
Her birthday: You take her out to dinner (+2). You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+3). Okay, it’s a sports bar (-2). And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3). It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10).
A night out: You take her to a movie (+1). You take her to a movie she likes (+5). You take her to a movie you hate (+6). You take her to a movie you like (-2). It’s called Death Cop (-3). You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15).
Your physique: You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15). You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10). You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30).You say: “It doesn’t matter, you have one too” (-80).
The big question: She asks: “Do I look fat?” (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what). You hesitate in responding (-10). You reply: A standard poodle is groomed during the last day of the Crufts Dog Show in Birmingham, central England, yesterday. “Where?” (-35). You give any other response (-20).
Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (+2). You listen for over 30 minutes (+50). You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500). She realises this is because you have fallen asleep (- 4 000).
This is a most useful formulation and should contribute greatly to domestic harmony.
Soccer influence
MORE on round-the-corner place kicking in rugby. It seems soccer was a big influence.
Professor Gavin Maasdorp, who used to be a honcho in varsity rugby, says he has always understood the style to have originated with soccer players in Britain and France who switched to rugby – Union and League.
“I seem to recall one of the Springbok touring teams to the UK (possibly 1950-51) encountering such a kicker in a provincial game in the Midlands, or north of England.
“Its use was common in France, though, and the first French side to tour South Africa – in 1958 – had Pierre Lacaze who employed that style.”
Meanwhile, Gerald Burne, who played goalkeeper for Queen’s Park Under-14, tells us the reason for the style is that the manufacturers stopped making boots with hard toes. He says he took soccer goal kicks with his toe until his boots wore out, then started kicking with his instep.
I’m not sure if Gerald’s having us on.
Tailpiece
A TOURIST on a tropical island is being driven mad by the drums that are sounding from the jungle. They were drumming when he got off the plane.
They’ve been drumming all day. That night he can’t get to sleep.
He goes downstairs and confronts the hotel’s night manager: “What’s with these drums? They never stop. It’s driving me mad. Can’t you stop them?”
“Drums good. Very bad if drums stop.” “Why?” “Bass solo follows.”
Last word THE world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page. – St Augustine