English, she are hard for your slowly mind
IT’S MATRIC time and I recall how, years ago, Shelley Berman, a Joburg teacher of high school English who had the frightful job of marking English matric papers wrote to me about marking “English Paper Three”.
Apparently this exam is for those who’ve dropped out or who are part-time pupils but want some sort of certificate to demonstrate that they are educated.
Although the standard is low, the offerings of young people often bring a smile. One topic was “The greatest sin is not to love”.
That, I thought, was a difficult subject for young minds. I’d have skipped it.
One scholar wrote: “The greatest sin is not to love cos love was creeted by the Old Mighty.”
Another suggested: “You must not show your friend your love to they cos they mite think you are stoopit cos of your slowly mind.”
Another topic was “The true meaning of success”. I would have skipped that one too.
One student wrote: “Life is unfair. Remember about the time you were born – you was crying and everyone else was laughing, so now you grown make sure you laughing. Then when you die be the one who is laughing and those who were laughing be the ones who is crying.”
There is some deep philosophy in there, I think.
Another topic was “Day dreams on a beach”. It produced this gem: “I dreamed about having a nice time at the beach, but it was just a thing that came from the mind of my thinks.”
In section B candidates had to report on the attitudes of the public towards paying TV licences.
“Some people’s TV they stoled it. So they say why must they pay licence if the one they stoled from paid the licence already?”
As Shelley says: “We have to laugh because if we don’t, we’d probably cry.”
And added: “It is terribly sad that this is the standard of some matriculation candidates. Belinda Tamsen could have done better.”
Shelley was referring to Belinda Tamsen, the Grade 4 terribly enthusiastic writer of compositions who stars in Stoep Talk from time to time. Her spelling leaves a lot to be desired.
I sent Shelley’s remark to Mrs Williams who teaches Belinda at Malhurst Primary and so she asked her class to choose one of the titles. Belinda, snatching up her pen, wrote: Day drims onna bich By Belinda Tamsen Gr 4 Wuns erponna tiem we went to Ramsgait and I was sitting on the bich woching my little brutha wile mummy and daddy play in the serf. I like to sun bayth but I havta woch my little brutha becos he mite run off and we nevva fine him again. That wood be nice!
Like orl boys he is verry stoopit and nuthing looks more stoopit than he dus wen he is skwattin in the sand with no pants on. An I drim of a big waiv cumming up the bich an woshin him outa sea and the shorks eetin him up an then I cood re-lacks and close my eys and getta tan.
Insted he cum running up and throe sand orl ova me and lorf and lorf so I giv him a WAP and he stort to screem like ennythink.
A lady came up an say how can I hit a little boy like that and I tell her is not a little boy he is a monsta an he probly has ray-bees I shudnt be serprize and he mite byt her and my little brutha then growl like a dog and try to byt her and lorf and lorf an the lady went off saying things.