Kids really do say the darndest things

OVER the years, readers have sent me children’s sayings deserving of immortality. Like: “Love is in the ear.”

Last week, I was told of a teacher reading the The Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to where the first pig went up to a man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said: “Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?”

The teacher asked: “And what do you think that man said?”

A boy raised his hand: “I know! I know! The man said ‘Holy smokes! A talking pig!’ ”

The late Nita Ebelin of Kelvin, Sandton, for years collected the funny, absurd and wise things children said and put them into a book titled How Much Do I Cost? I came across a copy last week.

Nita was mainly inspired by her own children and her two grandchildren, Dani and Yoni.

In fact, Dani supplied the title. She was being weighed as a toddler and watched the dial settle and asked: “How much do I cost?”

A lot of other children have been immortalised in Nita’s book.

Faye, 5, told a friend: “I’ve just had chicken pox.” The friend said: “I had fish fingers.”

And hyperactive Jason, 8, on medication to control it, came home and announced: “The Ritalin worked. I didn’t hit anybody today.”

Some sayings are from other sources including from Stoep Talk’s private bin. There was Nancy, 4, for instance, who, reciting the Lord’s Prayer, said: “And lead us not into temptation but deliver us some e-mail. Amen.”

I liked the one about Ben, 6, who was most intrigued by Yom Kippur, the Jewish holy day when people fast the whole day. His mother explained to him that she was allowed to eat only after the sun had gone down. An hour later, Ben comes rushing indoors: “Mom, quickly! The sun has gone behind the clouds – you can sneak a little snack.”

And Liza – she was asked to say grace before dinner but was overawed by the presence of her parents’ friends. “I don’t know what to say,” she said.

“Just say what you hear me say,” her mother said.

Liza recited: “Lord, why on Earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

My favourite is about a teacher giving the basics about the blood’s circulation. He said: “If I stood on my head the blood, as you know, will run into my head and I will turn red in the face. But, while I am standing upright, the blood doesn’t run into my feet. Why?”

Long silence and a youngster says: “Cause your feet aren’t empty.”

And some more sent in by readers: Steven, 3, hugged and kissed his mum goodnight. “I love you so much that when you die, I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”

Brittany, 4, had earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mother said it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her.

Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”

Clinton, 5, was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mother asked what was troubling him, he said: “I don’t know what will happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?”

Marc, 4, was engrossed in a young couple who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”