Parenting – Matter of change

The new year brings NEW MILESTONES and YOUR CHILD might have a hard time ADJUSTING to the unknown. This is a guide for you to make the transition smoother.

They say the most constant thing in life is change. But how can you explain to a child who’s used to a certain routine and way of life that they have to adjust to something new? Whether it’s a new school, new neighbourhood, new town or a different way of getting to school, the shift can be daunting and scary for some.

Talking about the change ahead is a great step, and educational psychologist Zandile Shabangu recommends: “If there’s something new that’s about to happen at home or within the family unit it’s very important that parents or guardians sit down with the children and talk about the change. This gives the children an opportunity to adjust to the pending change and to also ask questions if there’s some uncertainty about that change.” Children’s author Cindy Jett says: “Children like predictabilty such as regular feedings, bedtimes, realistic expectations and rituals, all of which make them feel safe.” So, how can we help your routine-loving toddlers adapt to the changes they will encounter in life?

NEW SCHOOL

“If it’s a new school, share what you know about it and the teacher,” says Jett. If you opt for boarding school, make sure you’ve done your research so you can answer any questions your child might have. Ukho, 33, a single mother of two, had

to make the decision to send her boys to boarding school after she suffered a stroke that changed her own routine. “I always wanted them to go to boarding school, but didn’t expect it to be so soon. After the stroke, we decided, as a family, to find the best school for the boys. Boarding school gives them a chance to grow, be independent and find their own feet,” she says.

Shabangu adds: “Parents need to prepare their child to learn to live without them. Before the child goes to boarding school, you and your child should visit the school and get as much information as possible on support systems.” She also suggests instilling a sense of responsibilty in looking after their personal belongings. This teaches kids independence in dressing, eating, bathing, managing their schedules and basic social skills.

For little ones the transition from nursery to big school can be both exciting and daunting. Best to talk to your child and let them know they’ll be no more naps, snack times or endless play group. A study published by the South African Journal of Childhood Education in 2015, on school readiness of children in Gauteng found that many participants were not school ready. Its findings show that poor training of Grade R teachers in the study meant that many learners were marginalised from effective Grade R education, which appears to be the main reason why kids fail to reach learning and school readiness outcomes.

“Parents should receive guidance on aiding in the stimulation of their small children. They should also be advised to only enrol their children in Grade 1 in the year the child turns seven,” advises Shabangu.

While some children aren’t ready for Grade 1, Nomndeni, 28, a mother of one, is excited about her daughter starting school. “I’m so happy and proud of her graduating and going to a new school. She’s very excited about wearing the uniform and I’ve talked to her about the changes. She keeps talking about how she’s going to learn so much and do her best. She’s very positive.”

However, not all children are thrilled about leaving the comfort of nursery. Shabangu says: “Grade 1 can be daunting if the child is not ready. Parents should take kids to an educational psychologist for a school readiness assessment. This helps identify if your little one’s emotionally and academically ready to handle big school. If not, the necessary steps will be taken to improve that.”

Ukho doesn’t regret her move towards boarding school and says her sons are more independent now. Visiting them every second weekend is also easy because the school is two hours away.

“And when they are home, I can see the change. They now make their beds, fold their clothes and pick up after themselves. The first months were hard because they would call and say they missed me. But now they have adapted and they have each other there for support,” she says.

RELOCATING

Work can sometimes have you move to a different town with the kids or have them taken care of by your parents or relatives. Change in environment may be hard for the child, but they need to see the good side of change. Parenting expert Nikki Bush suggests you focus on what you’re gaining, instead of what you’ve left behind. “Whatever your child’s loss or disappointment, you need to help them to recognise that they have potential, regardless of the circumstances they find themselves in. What they do with their potential moving forward is their choice.”

Kwezi, 24, a young mother of one, had to change cities and leave her then-three-year-old son with her mother, so she could provide for him. “I left Cape Town to work in Durban and my son was too young to understand, but every time I came home to visit, I noticed how clingy he was because he missed me. Now he’s older and I’m working back home again. He has a bond with my mom and I get heartsore that there are things they share that he and I don’t,” she says.

MOVING IN WITH A NEW PARTNER

A new relationship means the possibility of moving in with your partner, which is a big step. The most important thing is to talk to the child about what’s going to happen. Be as honest as possible. This is what Phumi, 32, did when she relocated to Pretoria to start a new life with her partner. Her eight-year-old daughter at first had a hard time adjusting to the new setting and language, which Phumi didn’t see coming.

“I told her the basics: we were starting a new life, she would have both parents now and a new brother, as well as new friends. She was excited. But I had not anticipated that factors like language and change of friends would affect her. When we got here it was difficult. She couldn’t understand the language, and had a hard time sharing me with the new daddy and brother.”

Shabangu says: “Familiarise the child with the new environment and talk about it to ease their anxieties.” Re-engage with creative exercises. Allow the child to draw, construct or talk about their fears.

Phumi says: “My daughter is happier now and also speaks Tswana better. Kids adapt more easily than adults,” she says.■