Sex – The A to Z of hot sex
Your HEALTHY and SIZZLING LOVE LIFE is about to get SO MUCH BETTER!
It’s true that women hit their sexual peak around 35–40 years – by then we’ve often made peace with our bodies. “And hormonal changes, which cause a decrease in natural lubrication, can also wreak havoc with our sexual peak,” says sex therapist Christa Coetzee. We may try to avoid intimacy because we don’t want the discomfort of dry sex. Coetzee suggests “using lubrication regularly.”
“Deep breathing is very important to facilitate blood flow to the clitoris,” says sexologist Professor Elna McIntosh. In the excitement of sex, we tend to stop breathing, which can delay orgasm. “We’re a society of shallow breathers anyway but the more oxygen running through your body, the better.”
We’re often too busy thinking about something else during lovemaking. “Use ‘I’ messages to tell your partner what you want,” says Cotzee. Even after years, your needs change. “Use your body and breathing to indicate that what your partner is doing is right.”
“Good sex, which demands active involvement, becomes too much when you’re depressed,” says Coetzee. But the sadder you are, the more likely it is that you need the endorphins that sex provides. It may take longer to get you out of that dark place but if your partner is patient, the rewards are there. If you’re on antidepressants, they can stunt libido.
“We forget that we thrive on our senses. If you want to feel in the mood, create an atmosphere, not just for your partner, but for yourself,” advises Coetzee. What smell brings you comfort? What do you like to feel on your skin? What music gets you right there? Go and put it on, then!
We shouldn’t feel guilty about our fantasies, but whether or not we should share them with our partners is a tricky issue. “You need to know clearly where you both stand. Identify which ones you don’t want to act out, and which you do [if any],” says Coetzee. “Fantasies are good if they enhance intimacy.”
It does exist – but some are luckier than others. A study by the University of L’Aquila in Italy found that women who reported vaginal orgasms had a thicker, blood vessel-rich band of tissue between the vagina and the urethra. “But don’t fixate on it,” says Coetzee. “Many women don’t go for the deep penetration that stimulation of the G-spot requires anyway.”
If you’re finding sex boring, take a break. “Make it a constructive holiday. Do other things to keep the flame burning: kissing, cuddling, mutual masturbation or oral sex are good ways to get the satisfaction you want without the pressure of intercourse,” suggests Coetzee. “Often we’ll avoid intimacy because we want to avoid sex. Break this nowin situation by getting your partner focused on just plain loving, with no penetration.”
“Regaining spark means getting the balance right,” says McIntosh. Try some gentle role-playing or sexy SMSes, or let him flirt if he wants to. “People think being intimate means you have to be possessive and tell your partner everything, but that can be a passion killer,” warns McIntosh. Getting it right is about trust.
Being fit makes you feel better about your body. Try cardio exercise, such as running, which boosts the blood flow to your organs and the oxygen-carrying capacity of all your muscles. Slower exercise such as yoga is good too, especially for releasing tension.
Sex toys are no longer taboo. Cape Town-based sensual boutique owner Rebecca Maserow says the Lilo Nea, a small clitoral vibrator, is one of the bestsellers. “And the Fun Factory Delight is just the best thing around; it hits the G-spot and the clitoris, and is aesthetically gorgeous.”
Sometimes called ‘natural Viagra’, the amino acid L-Arginine is used by our bodies to make nitric oxide, which causes the smooth muscle surrounding blood vessels to relax. Relaxation of the smooth muscle in the penis facilitates an erection. “Studies show that L-Arginine helps improve sexual function in men,” says dietician Megan Pentz-Kluyts.
Feeling sexy is a tall order when your baby arrives and breasts resemble leaky melons. A good partner will give you the space to find that goddess again, and do things in bed that make you feel strong, so that it’s not just another drain on you.
Never compare your sexual behavior to outside norms. “It’s about finding your own ‘normal’, not someone else’s,” says Coetzee. If you sacrifice your norms to please your partner, you’ll only create distance.
ORAL SEX “We’re so afraid of what we look and smell like down there, that we deny ourselves,” says Coetzee. But according to Health24’s Great South African Sex Survey, 53% of men said they “love, love, love” going down on their women, 31% said they didn’t mind, and only 16% said they’d rather not.
Make sexual activity a part of your lives. “You need to book the time,” says McIntosh. And when you do, there’s a better chance you’ll make the most of it.
“The key is to connect, and to make it fun. An orgasm should not be the ultimate goal. Rather, see a quickie as stealing a slice of love out of your busy lives,” says McIntosh.
Ideally, this allows you to explore yourself in a rewarding, intimate space. Powerful women often enjoy playing innocent maidens – it’s about freeing secret parts of yourself.
SOYA The chemical compounds found in soya are very useful in balancing your hormones, and for vaginal lubrication.
Confidence, says McIntosh, is the biggest turn-on. If the image you have of yourself is a negative one, bump up the positives. Ask your partner to tell you what he loves about your body – you’ll be pleasantly surprised!
Lovely underwear makes you feel sexy. “If you’re selfconscious, try a camisole,” says Maserow. If you don’t like your arms, wrap a lacy scarf around them, she says. A sexy slip can always be peeled off in the dark.
There are several natural alternatives to virility drugs, such as gingko and L-Arginine, which have been effective in clinical trials. Pentz-Kluyts suggests foods rich in B6, C and E vitamins and selenium like walnuts and seafood.
If you’ve reached a dead end in your lovemaking, write a list of things you’d like to try. Use it as a platform to start some dirty dialogue – use verbs first, says McIntosh, and once you’re comfortable, get a little more descriptive.
“More women are into porn than we think,” says Coetzee. If you aren’t, your man watching it is not a betrayal. But if his porn watching interferes with your time together and his time with the family, you may need to confront the issue.
YLANG-YLANG And ginger. Two scents you and your lover need to know.
All the well-known aphrodisiac foods are rich in zinc, which increases sperm count, ups fertility in women and maintains healthy levels of testosterone. It can also alleviate anxiety, so close your eyes and take a deep breath.