Sex – The A to Z of hot sex


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It’s true that women hit their sex­ual peak around 35–40 years – by then we’ve of­ten made peace with our bod­ies. “And hor­monal changes, which cause a de­crease in nat­u­ral lu­bri­ca­tion, can also wreak havoc with our sex­ual peak,” says sex ther­a­pist Christa Coet­zee. We may try to avoid in­ti­macy be­cause we don’t want the dis­com­fort of dry sex. Coet­zee sug­gests “us­ing lu­bri­ca­tion reg­u­larly.”


“Deep breath­ing is very im­por­tant to fa­cil­i­tate blood flow to the cli­toris,” says sex­ol­o­gist Pro­fes­sor Elna McIntosh. In the ex­cite­ment of sex, we tend to stop breath­ing, which can de­lay or­gasm. “We’re a so­ci­ety of shal­low breathers any­way but the more oxy­gen run­ning through your body, the bet­ter.”


We’re of­ten too busy think­ing about some­thing else dur­ing love­mak­ing. “Use ‘I’ messages to tell your part­ner what you want,” says Cotzee. Even af­ter years, your needs change. “Use your body and breath­ing to in­di­cate that what your part­ner is do­ing is right.”


“Good sex, which de­mands ac­tive in­volve­ment, be­comes too much when you’re de­pressed,” says Coet­zee. But the sad­der you are, the more likely it is that you need the en­dor­phins that sex pro­vides. It may take longer to get you out of that dark place but if your part­ner is pa­tient, the re­wards are there. If you’re on an­tide­pres­sants, they can stunt li­bido.


“We for­get that we thrive on our senses. If you want to feel in the mood, cre­ate an at­mos­phere, not just for your part­ner, but for your­self,” ad­vises Coet­zee. What smell brings you com­fort? What do you like to feel on your skin? What mu­sic gets you right there? Go and put it on, then!


We shouldn’t feel guilty about our fan­tasies, but whether or not we should share them with our part­ners is a tricky is­sue. “You need to know clearly where you both stand. Iden­tify which ones you don’t want to act out, and which you do [if any],” says Coet­zee. “Fan­tasies are good if they en­hance in­ti­macy.”


It does ex­ist – but some are luck­ier than oth­ers. A study by the Univer­sity of L’Aquila in Italy found that women who re­ported vagi­nal or­gasms had a thicker, blood ves­sel-rich band of tis­sue be­tween the vag­ina and the ure­thra. “But don’t fix­ate on it,” says Coet­zee. “Many women don’t go for the deep pen­e­tra­tion that stim­u­la­tion of the G-spot re­quires any­way.”


If you’re find­ing sex bor­ing, take a break. “Make it a con­struc­tive hol­i­day. Do other things to keep the flame burn­ing: kiss­ing, cud­dling, mu­tual mas­tur­ba­tion or oral sex are good ways to get the sat­is­fac­tion you want with­out the pres­sure of in­ter­course,” sug­gests Coet­zee. “Of­ten we’ll avoid in­ti­macy be­cause we want to avoid sex. Break this nowin sit­u­a­tion by get­ting your part­ner fo­cused on just plain lov­ing, with no pen­e­tra­tion.”


“Re­gain­ing spark means get­ting the bal­ance right,” says McIntosh. Try some gen­tle role-play­ing or sexy SMSes, or let him flirt if he wants to. “Peo­ple think be­ing in­ti­mate means you have to be pos­ses­sive and tell your part­ner ev­ery­thing, but that can be a pas­sion killer,” warns McIntosh. Get­ting it right is about trust.


Be­ing fit makes you feel bet­ter about your body. Try car­dio ex­er­cise, such as run­ning, which boosts the blood flow to your or­gans and the oxy­gen-car­ry­ing ca­pac­ity of all your mus­cles. Slower ex­er­cise such as yoga is good too, es­pe­cially for re­leas­ing ten­sion.


Sex toys are no longer taboo. Cape Town-based sen­sual bou­tique owner Rebecca Maserow says the Lilo Nea, a small cli­toral vi­bra­tor, is one of the best­sellers. “And the Fun Fac­tory De­light is just the best thing around; it hits the G-spot and the cli­toris, and is aes­thet­i­cally gor­geous.”


Some­times called ‘nat­u­ral Viagra’, the amino acid L-Arginine is used by our bod­ies to make ni­tric ox­ide, which causes the smooth mus­cle sur­round­ing blood ves­sels to re­lax. Re­lax­ation of the smooth mus­cle in the penis fa­cil­i­tates an erec­tion. “Stud­ies show that L-Arginine helps im­prove sex­ual func­tion in men,” says di­eti­cian Me­gan Pentz-Kluyts.


Feel­ing sexy is a tall order when your baby ar­rives and breasts re­sem­ble leaky mel­ons. A good part­ner will give you the space to find that goddess again, and do things in bed that make you feel strong, so that it’s not just an­other drain on you.


Never com­pare your sex­ual be­hav­ior to out­side norms. “It’s about find­ing your own ‘nor­mal’, not some­one else’s,” says Coet­zee. If you sac­ri­fice your norms to please your part­ner, you’ll only cre­ate dis­tance.

ORAL SEX “We’re so afraid of what we look and smell like down there, that we deny our­selves,” says Coet­zee. But ac­cord­ing to Health24’s Great South African Sex Sur­vey, 53% of men said they “love, love, love” go­ing down on their women, 31% said they didn’t mind, and only 16% said they’d rather not.


Make sex­ual ac­tiv­ity a part of your lives. “You need to book the time,” says McIntosh. And when you do, there’s a bet­ter chance you’ll make the most of it.


“The key is to con­nect, and to make it fun. An or­gasm should not be the ul­ti­mate goal. Rather, see a quickie as steal­ing a slice of love out of your busy lives,” says McIntosh.


Ide­ally, this al­lows you to ex­plore your­self in a re­ward­ing, in­ti­mate space. Pow­er­ful women of­ten en­joy play­ing in­no­cent maidens – it’s about free­ing se­cret parts of your­self.

SOYA The chem­i­cal com­pounds found in soya are very use­ful in bal­anc­ing your hor­mones, and for vagi­nal lu­bri­ca­tion.


Con­fi­dence, says McIntosh, is the big­gest turn-on. If the im­age you have of your­self is a neg­a­tive one, bump up the pos­i­tives. Ask your part­ner to tell you what he loves about your body – you’ll be pleas­antly sur­prised!


Lovely un­der­wear makes you feel sexy. “If you’re self­con­scious, try a camisole,” says Maserow. If you don’t like your arms, wrap a lacy scarf around them, she says. A sexy slip can al­ways be peeled off in the dark.


There are sev­eral nat­u­ral al­ter­na­tives to viril­ity drugs, such as gingko and L-Arginine, which have been ef­fec­tive in clin­i­cal tri­als. Pentz-Kluyts sug­gests foods rich in B6, C and E vi­ta­mins and se­le­nium like wal­nuts and seafood.


If you’ve reached a dead end in your love­mak­ing, write a list of things you’d like to try. Use it as a plat­form to start some dirty di­a­logue – use verbs first, says McIntosh, and once you’re com­fort­able, get a lit­tle more de­scrip­tive.


“More women are into porn than we think,” says Coet­zee. If you aren’t, your man watch­ing it is not a be­trayal. But if his porn watch­ing in­ter­feres with your time to­gether and his time with the family, you may need to con­front the is­sue.

YLANG-YLANG And gin­ger. Two scents you and your lover need to know.


All the well-known aphro­disiac foods are rich in zinc, which in­creases sperm count, ups fer­til­ity in women and main­tains healthy lev­els of testos­terone. It can also al­le­vi­ate anx­i­ety, so close your eyes and take a deep breath.

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