Sex – Hot tips

Is there some­thing you’d like to try in bed, but are too afraid to bring up? Our ex­pert an­swers all your burn­ing sex ques­tions.

True Love - - Contents - By HE­LENE LEE

Is your sex life go­ing through a dull stage? Is there a sub­ject mat­ter you’re too shy to dis­cuss with your man? Our sex ex­pert has your back.

Our sex drives dif­fer – how do we bal­ance this?

Mas­tur­ba­tion – it’s that sim­ple. For both par­ties. Think of it as snack­ing be­tween meals. You still look for­ward to the main course, but in the mean­time, a snack takes the edge off. That’s not to say that the solo sex should take place without the other person: some­times a woman is not in the mood for in­ter­course, but she still wants the in­ti­macy of be­ing with her man while he reaches a cli­max. In this case, she can still be an ac­tive par­tic­i­pant, us­ing her hands and tongue to bring him to or­gasm.

Some­times my part­ner doesn’t seem in­ter­ested, and I feel like it’s my fault. Do men have mo­ments when they’re sim­ply not into sex?

Of course they do! Just like women, men get tired, over­worked and stressed, and sex may be the last thing on their mind. Med­i­ca­tion, obe­sity, smok­ing and drink­ing can all im­pact on a man’s de­sire and abil­ity to have sex. Older men may fear fail­ure be­cause their erec­tions aren’t as strong or as reg­u­lar as they used to be. Don’t as­sume you’re to blame. Gen­tly ask him how he’s feel­ing, what’s wrong, does he want to talk about it. What­ever it is, it can be fixed.

My part­ner is not shy, and would like to have sex in the gar­den. What if some­one sees us?

Isn’t that the point!? Se­ri­ously, the peo­ple most likely to see you are mem­bers of your fam­ily or your house help. Choose a time when they’ll all be away, spread a blan­ket on the lawn and let him have his evil way with you. A sec­ond blan­ket should be within easy reach, just in case. Other op­tions are a quickie with you stand­ing up against a tree, fully clothed and skirt hitched up. He’ll get his kicks, and you’ll still feel dressed.

When my man is very stressed, will sex help to al­le­vi­ate some of his ten­sion?

Yes, but don’t give him added stress by in­sist­ing that you or­gasm as well. Some­times, all a man needs to un­wind is to have an ut­terly self­ish or­gasm. Sug­gest he mas­tur­bate his cares away, or give him a blow job. He can make it up to you later!

When he can’t reach or­gasm, is it a re­flec­tion on me? What can I do to help him?

Some men are quick ejac­u­la­tors; oth­ers take much longer. If your man has al­ways reached or­gasm in, say 10 min­utes, and now takes for­ever or not at all, he may have an un­der­ly­ing health prob­lem. En­cour­age him to see his doc­tor. How­ever, the rea­son he can’t or­gasm could be some­thing ob­vi­ous. Is your baby sleep­ing in the same room with you? Is he stressed at work? Have you re­cently given birth and he fears hurt­ing you? Has your re­la­tion­ship taken a down­turn? If you said ‘no’ to all these, re­mem­ber that in­ter­course alone isn’t al­ways enough – per­haps he needs more vis­ual and phys­i­cal stim­u­la­tion, in which case you might con­sider in­tro­duc­ing porn, sexy lin­gerie and sen­sual mas­sages – es­pe­cially around his frenu­lum (the un­der­side of the head of the pe­nis) – into your love-mak­ing.

Do men have a G-spot? If so, where is it lo­cated and how can I stim­u­late it?

Yes! It’s the prostate gland. Get him to lie on his back, knees drawn up. In­sert a well-lu­bri­cated fin­ger into his anus, up to the first or sec­ond knuckle. Then, mak­ing a ‘come hither’ move­ment, feel around un­til you feel a wal­nut-shaped lump. This is the prostate gland or P-spot. Start mas­sag­ing firmly in a down­ward di­rec­tion (to­wards the exit). Com­bine this with a blow job or a mas­sage of the frenu­lum for a mind-blow­ing ex­pe­ri­ence.

I’ve been mar­ried for 10 years and am not as sex­u­ally re­spon­sive as I was when I was younger. What could be the prob­lem?

If we ac­cept that you and your man are happy with your re­la­tion­ship, your life and your ca­reer, the prob­lem may be bore­dom. There are no sur­prises in your sex life any­more. Sur­prise lights up the brain and makes you feel eu­phoric – the way you felt when you first fell in love. In­tro­duce some new and sexy ways to re­cap­ture those early days, such as un­ex­pected gifts, sen­sual baths or mas­sages, quickie sex, out­door sex, role play, oral sex, sex toys and ed­i­ble lu­bri­cants.

They say size doesn’t mat­ter, but my man is too small, and he doesn’t sat­isfy me dur­ing sex. How can I change that?

The av­er­age erect hu­man pe­nis is 13-14cm long. That’s roughly three times longer than the erect pe­nis of the male sil­ver­back go­rilla. Your man, by go­rilla stan­dards, is a ver­i­ta­ble King Kong! Still, this is of lit­tle com­fort if you’re un­able to reach an or­gasm dur­ing sex. But you need to know this: the size of a pe­nis has noth­ing to do with a woman’s sat­is­fac­tion. Your sex­ual nerve end­ings are all si­t­u­ated in and around the cli­toris and the en­trance to the vag­ina, not deep in­side the vag­ina it­self. Even a man with a tiny willy can bring you to or­gasm with the right tech­nique – fore­play, pres­sure on the cli­toris, and a rhyth­mic in-and-out mo­tion. Try dif­fer­ent po­si­tions for max­i­mum sen­sa­tions – and give your­self a hand. We girls need to take some re­spon­si­bil­ity for our own plea­sure.

Three­somes – I know he’d like them, but wouldn’t that spoil our re­la­tion­ship? What are the guide­lines?

In a fantasy, the idea of a three-or-more-some is great. But in re­al­ity, it can lead to jeal­ousy, heartache and break-ups. How­ever, if you’re sat­is­fied that your re­la­tion­ship is rock-solid, that you both know what’s in­volved, have dis­cussed it at length, and have es­tab­lished the bound­aries, there is noth­ing to stop you try­ing it. It may add a new fris­son to your sex life and deepen your bond, know­ing that you have shared a ‘taboo’ ex­pe­ri­ence. But don’t be tempted to bring a friend into your three­some – rather find a like-minded stranger online. Al­ter­na­tively, you may find that a girl-on-girl kiss in a club will be enough to sat­isfy your man’s crav­ing for a three­some. What­ever you try, be safe – this can be a risky life­style.

If things are luke­warm for me dur­ing sex, do I speak up and sort it out, or will I bruise his ego?

A woman doesn’t come with a list of in­struc­tions, so help the poor man out. But yes, be mind­ful of his ego, and be gen­tle. When he gets it wrong, don’t sit up crossly and say, “Well, that’s not working!” Stay in the mood and guide his hands and tongue to where you want them to be. Mur­mur your ap­pre­ci­a­tion and breathe, “Ooooh baby, there, yes, that’s it, oh yeah!” This is not a time for deep con­ver­sa­tions.

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