Sex – Shag buddy: be sure you’re up for it

Very often ‘sex buddy’ relationships go wrong. Here’s a guide to maintaining a perfect no-strings-attached fling.

Remember the movie No Strings

Attached starring Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher? The romcom explored friends who agree on a casual ‘no strings attached’ sex pact where the only rule is to not fall in love with each other. Similarly, the 2011 movie

Friends with Benefits featuring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis had a similar plot. The hilarious irony in all of this is how the now-married couple and stars of both movies, Ashton and Mila had had a sex buddy arrangement just like their characters before they officially tied the knot in 2015. After years of just being friends and previously co-starring in the hit comedy show That 70s Show, they later met at an awards show and realised they were attracted to each other and became sex buddies. In an interview on radio station SiriusXM, the actress said: “We clearly didn’t pay attention and we shook hands on it and said we would just have fun. We literally just had a very open conversation.” Two years later, the pair got married and now have two children together. Want to start a casual, no-strings attached agreement just like them? Be realistic, your ‘friends with benefits’ affair may not end in marriage. Most importantly, make sure you’re certain of what you’re getting into. Here are expert tips to perfect the art of being a sex buddy.

FIRST THINGS FIRST . . .

Ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you really want to get into and why you want to enter into this. kind of relationship and if it’s something you really want to get into. Are you mature enough to have a hassle-free shag-mate experience with someone who doesn’t want to be your long-term partner? Are you mentally ready for a relationship strictly about having fun and sex only? “Ask Once you are okay with this, find someone who has the same perspective when it comes to the relationship,” says relationship expert Paula Quinsee.

FINDING THE PERFECT SHAG MATE

“It ought to be someone you like and get along with more than just being physically-attracted to them. If it’s about

Don’t expect things you didn’t promise each other. It’s not fair to expect marriage or commitment from a shag buddy because you’ll always be disappointed.

sex only then it will degenerate very quickly,” advises transformational therapist, Shaldon Fitzgerald. He continues: “You want somebody you have some things in common with. It also helps with your safety. Your shag mate should be someone you’re generally attracted to, or possibly be in a relationship with.” What makes this type of relationship work or fail, is how you negotiate it, says Dr. Tlaleng Mofokeng, member of the Durex Global Advisory Board on Sexual Health and Wellbeing. “It’s not necessarily who you have it with. Some people end up getting married to their sex buddy. This sometimes leads some into thinking that because they’ve been with their shag buddy for so long, it may turn out into something deeper.” Is it wise for your shag buddy to be an existing friend or should they be a complete stranger? “That’s the thing about not getting emotionally attached. You don’t necessarily want somebody in your direct circle as that’s part of not getting attached,” Fitzgerald adds.

MAINTAINING RESPECT

Respect for yourself and your mate is important. Mofokeng cautions, “Just because you agreed to be shag buddies doesn’t mean you’ll be ready and willing every time they want to link up.” Because respect is universal, another crucial issue here is that of consent. “Are you comfortable with the fact you’re using someone for sex and vice-versa? You need to be okay with that,” warns Quinsee.

BE HONEST FROM THE START

Everything should be out in the open. “From the moment you realise this is not going to be a relationship and it’s only about sex, protect yourself emotionally and guard the other person’s feelings,” Fitzgerald advises. Quinsee echoes this, saying: “Personality plays a big role. If you’re the confident and self-assured type then be direct. You may want to test the waters, be upfront and ask if they’ve been in this kind of relationship before. This will make you find out if they’ll be open to having it with you.” You need to also come clean on whether you are exclusive shag buddies or not.

COMMUNICATE AND SET BOUNDARIES

Communication and setting boundaries is crucial in this type of relationship. “Sometimes people go into shag buddy relationships to experiment and explore. From the start, let them know what you’re comfortable with. You need to establish at what point is it no longer safe for you and how you will respect each other if you’ve reached that point,” Quinsee says. Mofokeng adds that with regards to sex, “negotiate the type you both want. You may not want to have anal sex, for example. Things turn sour when there’s no consent in terms of what you’re agreeing to do.”

KEEP SAFETY IN MIND

Rape in the country is rife. Statistics released by the South African Police Service revealed that a total of 39 828 cases were recorded in 2016/17. With a sex buddy, even though the relationship is based purely on sex, you still have every right to say NO. Consider the risk of contracting STDs when having casual sex. Mofokeng says going for an HIV test with your shag mate is imperative. “The responsibility is always on you. You need to know the type of sex you’re having, condoms you’re using, lubricants and check your risks of HIV,” says Mofokeng. Using protection and contraceptives is a must.

CATCHING FEELINGS?

Don’t! This is the main rule of this game. If you do, you should end things, advises Fitzgerald. “Your shag mate may really not be interested in a relationship with you. If you start developing deeper feelings then you should rather end that connection and maintain a friendship, and see where that goes.” Quinsee says: “Be careful of cuddling, it builds intimacy, which starts changing the relationship in terms of feeling and emotions,” she warns. Mofokeng advises to check if you’ll be okay if the person moves on and starts a relationship.

LET GO OF EXPECTATIONS

A shag buddy is just that, a buddy not a boyfriend. Your expectations of him are close to zero. “Don’t expect gifts or anything you’d want from a boyfriend. Don’t expect things you didn’t promise each other,” Fitzgerald says. It’s not fair to expect marriage and commitment from a shag buddy because you’ll always be disappointed,” he adds.

WHEN HE HAS A LIFE PARTNER

Experts say there’s a difference between a shag buddy and an affair. If he has a partner then he’s off limits. “You have no right to inflict pain on somebody else, especially for something you’re not really into,” Fitzgerald counsels. He explains that by shagging somebody else’s partner you’re literally tearing somebody else’s dreams apart, and that’s an unfair thing to do. “Stay away from that,” he says.

HOW TO END THINGS

Sit your shag buddy down and have a conversation, advises Quinsee. “Explain why you want out, that you’ve enjoyed the relationship and it was great, but for you it’s come to an end and you need to move on. Do it gracefully acknowledging the chapter the person has played in your life.” It’s important to voice this out than ending it carelessly.