Mind power – The self-love club

In February, the emphasis is on romantic love. But, to be able to love others, you must first love yourself. Here’s how to extend the roots of love from the inside out.

We often hear we ought to love ourselves. The world tells us “you can’t love another person until you love yourself first.” So why isn’t self-love in our school curriculums? Why should the most automatic thing in life be the most difficult to pull off? The crazy thing about life is that we are rarely taught crucial skills such as confidence, happiness and self-love. There are mountains of information on how to heal from a broken heart, divorce, abuse and more – which is appreciated. But where do we learn how to love ourselves? In this month of love, what better time to explore the greatest love of all – yours.

WHAT IS SELF-LOVE?

Life coach Lynda Bleazard, who heads the Lynda Bleazard Leadership Coaching and Development, goes by the mantra: “Live your Best Life.” She describes self-love as “the ability to practice compassion, kindness and unconditional and non-judgement towards yourself.”

For relationship expert, Paula Quinsee, “Self-love is about putting your own needs first and taking care of self in a nurturing, kind and gentle way. It’s about recharging your energy and doing things you want to do for self while having healthy boundaries in play and living your truth in terms of your values.”

Master life and executive coach Carmia Annandale, who is founder of The Happy Medium Company describes self-love as the little things you do to benefit your life and happiness. She emphasises that it is, “timeless action that you practice in your day to day life, a positive lifestyle found in your habits.”

All these experts agree that selflove is about you and doing what you want to do to make yourself happy. Another point they have in common is the value of self and self-acceptance, flaws and all. Shaldon Fitzgerald, a Cape Town-based transformational therapist, cautions that self-love shouldn’t be confused with conceit, which is narcissistic. We often refer to such individuals as “loving

themselves too much,” or that they are “full of themselves.” Fitzgerald says this isn’t the case with self-love. He explains: “Conceit is the opposite of self-love. Conceited individuals have an inflated ego and a poor sense of self-love. They try to posture and pretend to be something they’re not. People who love themselves are generally very calm and relaxed in their own skin.”

HOW TO PRACTICE SELF-LOVE

Learn positive self-talk.

Neuroscience proves that our brains believe everything we tell it. Bleazard explains, “When we constantly affirm and celebrate ourselves through self-talk, we become happier.” Annandale echoes this. “When you start saying, ‘I cannot’ or ‘I’m not’, that’s all negative self-talk. No one ever benefits from you saying you can’t do anything. Neither you nor the world.” Quinsee adds that positive self-talk is critical because it lays the foundation on how others treat, react and interact with upeople. “If it’s negative, then as an individual, you run on little self-value and worth.”

Be mindful of what you consume.

Looking after your body is also tied in with how much you love yourself. Bet you didn’t think of this one, huh? Many want to lose weight and improve the way they look. Now, how would you eat if you really loved yourself ? Wouldn’t you eat more veggies and drink less coffee? Annandale explains: “There’s a saying that ‘you are what you eat’. I say, you are what you consume. Unfollow social media accounts that aren’t positively contributing to you, especially those that pressurise you to look a certain way. Don’t get warped into fake reality. Anything that pressurises you to change isn’t self-love, you are already perfect as you are.” She adds: “I suggest to my clients that they start their day with self-love and not technology. The first thing we do is check our phones. Commit to doing something else that feeds you and your soul.” She also explains that this is the same with finances and how you spend your money. “Be mindful too of the music and TV you watch,” says Quinsee who stresses that any negative consumption ultimately leads to, “altering our mind-sets, thus a destructive outlook on life.”

Practice what you preach.

If you’ve never practiced self-love it’s difficult at first, especially when we’re juggling careers, families and homes, that’s according to Bleazard. We often put these ahead of our needs. In setting our time for ourselves, we become more aware of our own needs. “Self-love is how we can meet those needs, making ourselves a priority in our lives,” Bleazard adds. Because we’re all unique, different people will do different things for their own health and being, Quinsee says. For some it may be yoga, taking a walk, reading or listening to music. “It’s really about being connected to self and your own thoughts, emotions and feelings. While also recognising where you’re at from a mental perspective.”

Be consistent.

“Being comfortable in yourself is very important, and should also apply even when you are in a romantic relationship,” Bleazard says. “Self-love is always important whether you’re a student, in a relationship or a mom. It’s just as vital as sleeping, eating and breathing. People always assume self-love is this big thing that you need to attain, but it’s actually a small change in your routine. I ask moms ‘what is the one thing you can adapt or change?’ The answer often goes along the lines of: ‘I can get up earlier to pray or when I eat my lunch I want no disruptions.’ It’s very basic tasks,” Annandale says.

Reap the benefits. Self-love benefits your work, relationships and emotional wellbeing because you contribute to those areas of your life with a more loving and nurturing spirit,” Annandale says. For Quinsee, the profits of self-love include being happier and more resilient. “You’re in a better emotional state as opposed to having victim mentality or becoming a blamer who takes no accountability for the actions and contributions to the situation,” she says.

Whenwe constantly affirm and celebrate ourselves through self-talk, we become happier. – Lynda Bleazard