Celebrate life – Modern fathers

Young, Black dads share their parenting journey with us and how their involvement is breaking the stereotype of absent fathers.

AUSTIN MALEMA, 27, FATHER TO A THREE-YEAR-OLD SON

This well-known photographer grew up in rural Venda, where he was raised by his great-grandmother because his mom was a teenager. He moved to Joburg as a teen to be with his mother. Austin always knew he wanted to be a dad. “Call me weird, but I’ve always wanted to be a dad. I loved the relationship that my favourite sitcom dad on All of Us had with his kids, and knew I’d be just like that.” What defines fatherhood? “To me, it’s taking responsibility from the getgo. Knowing you’ve made a mistake, ‘damages’ as it’s known culturally, and paying the fine is the first step. Also, accepting being present in your child’s life, physically and emotionally; it isn’t just financial. My dad became a part of my life later in my life, but only for financial needs.” What lesson would you like to impart to your child? “There’ll be failures and things you can’t speak about, but you shouldn’t feel alone and everything will be okay. Also, whatever you want in life, you can do it. There are options – explore them and don’t let the world tell you who you should be.” Why are there so many absent fathers? “It’s different for everyone. I knew I wanted to be in my child’s life. For some people, I think judgement plays a part – knowing you’re going to be judged for having a child at a young age. Fathers might run away because they’re not ready, or fear not knowing how to do it and not being part of the journey. But no-one’s ever ready, you learn as you go. I make sure I see my son as often as I can. We go on regular dates or just hang out the whole day.” What are the difficulties of being a young dad? “Parenting at a young age is difficult because I’m still finding my feet and now I have to set an example for someone else. Everything I do affects him and my actions have consequences.” What do you love most about being a dad? “It’s the little things – spending time and learning from my son, to see him smile.” What’s your advice to other dads? “Be yourself in everything you do, be authentic. Also, be involved.”

THULANI MAKANA, 32, FATHER OF A SIX-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

Thulani is a DJ and music producer born in Grahamstown. He later moved to Pimville, Joburg, when his parents split when he was three. “I’m the youngest of three kids, and I was raised by my mom. I see my dad when I go back for family gatherings but we don’t really talk – there’s not much of a relationship. I witnessed my mom being a single parent. When I found out about my daughter, I made a promise to both of us that I’ll be there throughout.” What defines fatherhood? “My relationship with her mother has a ripple effect, so I knew I had to be there at all times. I want to be a good example, be responsible and show my daughter that good men exist. I hope to instill in her good values and be a role model for her.” What lesson would you like to impart to your child? “Family’s first. Take care and be there for those close to you and they’ll take care of you. Don’t be too caught up with istrata and things around you.” Why are there so many absent fathers? “It all comes down to values and knowing responsibility. Another thing, which might not make me popular, is women being independent. I feel that they’re taking it a step too far because they think they don’t need men. Things have changed a lot in our society. Men don’t have great role models or the guidance to be well-rounded men.” What are the difficulties of being a dad? “Because I grew up without a dad I had no idea of what I should be like. Every day’s a learning curve; it’s a trial and error. But I want to be there and do the best I can, to safeguard and provide for her. I have my partner to lean on and also my mom and big brother for advice and guidance.” What do you love most about being a dad? “Knowing that my daughter’s there and depends on me. I love our great bond.” What’s your advice to other dads? “Whether you’re in your kid’s life or not, remember you’re one of the most important people in their life. So whatever your relationship with the child’s mother or problems you experience, don’t let it affect your child.”

VUSI BAZI, 32, SINGLE DAD TO AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD SON

Vusi was raised in the Eastern Cape by his loving grandparents, and his mom was like a sister. He vowed he’d be there for his son. “From the beginning of this year he started living with me full-time. I took him because I wanted to guide the values he gets, to not just get called when things go wrong when it’s too late for me to help.” What defines fatherhood? “It’s being there from day one, knowing you have a responsibility as a father on whom they rely and the values they have. I have to be the role model he can aspire to become.” What lesson would you like to impart to your child? “I’d like him to be spiritual, to know God and that He’s the most important thing in life. To achieve anything in life he needs to have God in his life. I was brought up that way, and I want him to know there’s a Higher Power.” Why are there so many absent fathers? “Most absent fathers might come from broken homes. Having a child might remind them of things they never dealt with. Fortunately for me, it inspired the opposite. I didn’t want my child to go through what I went through without my father. Society’s still adjusting to the modern world, men are finding it hard to fit into the roles we’re playing now.” What are the difficulties of being a single dad? “We haven’t always lived together so we both had to adjust. I now have to manage my relationship with his mother better. When I’m angry at her, it can’t affect him. I have to encourage and protect their relationship, make sure he doesn’t forget about her or see her as less. To let him know he has two loving parents even if they aren’t together anymore. I have to nurture that relationship.” What do you love most about being a dad? “There’s no greater love like a child’s love. He loves me for who I am, he never wants to disappoint me.” What’s your advice to other dad’s? “There’s no effort that’s too much or difficult if you want to be in your child’s life. You should do everything in your power to be a part of your child’s life. It’s never too late, and you’ll never regret it. Being a dad and being part of your child’s life is doing your godly duty as a man.”

NDAEDZO NETHANZHE, 32, SINGLE FATHER TO A NINEYEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

Ndaedzo is the firstborn of three and lived with both parents until his mom passed away in the early 2000s. His dad raised them as a single father, motivating this journalist to want to be as hands-on as his father. “I told myself I can do it. My dad told my mother’s family no one will raise his kids when he’s still alive. And he was in a wheelchair.” What defines fatherhood? “For the past six years I’ve raised my daughter alone. For me, being a dad is being present. When you know the finer details about your child: what shoe size they wear, what makes them cry, their favourite colour and when to shout or talk. That, for me, is being a dad.” What lesson would you like to impart to your child? “To be the most confident girl, whatever space she operates in. I practise free-spirited parenting. I don’t just dictate to her, I allow her to make her own decisions and guide her through proper communication. She needs to know no man needs to validate her beauty, or depend on a man for anything. I want her to know her worth.” Why are there so many absent fathers? “There are a number of factors, one can be the black man’s history. We grew up understanding your father left to be a migrant labourer and your mom was around to take care of you. But there are other societal issues that can contribute, like alcohol abuse.” What are the difficulties of being a single dad? “There are times when you don’t know what to do or say. It can be difficult to teach her certain things but I make it work. I know I’d never be a mother but I can give her enough love to carry both roles.” What do you love most about being a dad? “I could lose everything tomorrow but being her dad gives me a sense of being.” What’s your advice to other dads? “Be there for your child, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and financially. It’s not about you having them on medical aid or dropping off groceries. It’s about the presence you have in all areas of their lives.”