Parenting – Raising teens

Is your child always moody, glued to Whatsapp, has questionable friends and thinks he knows everything? If your answer is yes, then welcome to the club - you’re raising a teenager.

There really should be support groups for parents raising teenagers, God knows they need them. I came across a poster recently that read: “Teenager for sale. Fully equiped with rolling eyes, deep sighs, and sarcastic comments. Plays video games and texts 200 words per minute. No reasonable offer will be refused.” The poster was funny but speaking to parents of teenagers, it’s clear it’s a turbulent life stage.

“When you have teens, the soundtrack of your life is snorts, eyerolls and an occasional ‘I hate you’,” says Doris Mabizela a 54-year-old mother of six. “My youngest son is one of those lazy, stubborn, argumentative and ‘I know it all’ human beings. He’s even pulled the ‘I’m not loved in this house maybe I should run away’ stunt.

“Then there’s always the ‘Ma! What are you doing in my room? Really, this is not fair!’ But it’s my house isn’t it? I’ve the right to enter any room, especially if it’s occupied by someone who doesn’t understand basic hygiene,” she adds.

Teenagers are hard-wired to butt heads with their parents, says Dr. Zama Radebe, a psychologist specialising in family therapy. “Adolescence is a time of rapid change for kids both physically and cognitively. Teens fire their parents and then re-hire them years later, but as consultants rather than managers.As a parent, you have to understand that your child is going through a phase. You must have the right approach to all the challenges you come across. It doesn’t mean you have to take their attitude lying down, but you can troubleshoot teen problems in a relatively civilised fashion,” says Radebe.

Our experts provide tips on how to overcome the top six major challenges you’ll face with your teenager:

PHYSICAL CHANGES

It’s a fact, your little boy or girl’s body is changing and their hormones are all over the place. Your daughter got her period and her breasts are developing. Your son’s voice goes deeper and he starts growing facial hair. They gain weight and have pimples. Moreover, they’re self-conscious about their looks and don’t like it. Experts say it’s at this stage that emotional problems start setting in. Your teen is confused, has low

self-esteem, their moods change every second and, because of the frustration, they lash out at those close to them. The Solution: Help your teen understand that body changes during puberty are normal, says Dr Theresa Lenta, an adolescent counselling psychologist. “Find out how they feel about their bodies and ways to help them overcome those insecurities. Boost their confidence by telling them how beautiful they are and warn them about comparing themselves to people in the media. Use positive words that’ll give them the confidence to face the world and to love who they are,” she says.

THEY’RE FULL OF DRAMA

Mood swings, temper tantrums, slamming doors, locking themselves in their rooms, rolling eyes, sulking, the list is endless. Small things seems to set teenagers off. Experts say teens feel intensely. What may seem like ‘no big deal’ to you, is very important to them. The Solution: Don’t trivialise the importance of events in a teen’s life, Lenta says. “Teens feel misunderstood. It’s like the world’s against them. If you don’t listen when they try to communicate how they feel, eventually they’ll stop telling you anything. They want you to take what they say seriously. Don’t offer advice by minimising the problem. Just listen and sympathise,” Lenta says.

TECHNOLOGY RULES

Cell phones, video games, social media, computers – that’s what parents are competing with these days for their children’s attention. It’s ironic how these forms of communication make teenagers less communicative with those they live with, Dr Radebe says. “Forbidding all use of electronic devices is not only unrealistic, but also ‘unkind’. Being networked with their friends is more critical to most teens than being part of the family,” Dr Radebe says. The Solution: “Look at the big picture,” Dr Lenta advises. If your child’s functioning well in school, doing his chores at home and not completely retreating from family life, it’s probably best to ‘lay off.’ It’s also okay to set reasonable limits, such as no electronic devices after or during certain times of the day,” she says. If this fails, don’t buy them data and switch off Wifi. Better yet, confiscate the devices for the day or the week.

THEY CHALLENGE YOU

Understandably, back talk pushes all our buttons. Suddenly, you’re stuck in a fullblown power struggle with your teen. You’re angry and frustrated, and your child’s fuelling the fire by continuing to talk back until it escalates into a screaming match. The Solution: “Remember, for your child the lesson around back-talk is how to resolve conflicts, express anger and how to problem solve, even when you’re angry or frustrated,” Dr Radebe says. “Back talk is disrespectful and this is why you should set limits around it. You want to handle this as objectively as possible, and view your role as that of a teacher and coach rather than a screaming mom. If you can teach your child healthier ways to express anger and show him how to problem solve, it diminishes the power that anger and back talk have.”

DISOBEY THE RULES

It’s 9.30pm and your daughter was expected home at 7pm. She’s ignored your curfew once again. Maybe you wince every time she sports a really ugly hairstyle and wears that see-through crop top and mini skirt you wish you could burn. Or worse, she’s started hanging around loud friends you can’t stand. The Solution: “Teens test limits. But, they actually want limits, so parents need to keep setting them. If you feel your curfew’s reasonable, set consequences. When you make a rule, mean it. You can’t bluff with teens, they’ll always call you on it,” Dr. Lenta says. Susan Gregor-Harlen, a life and parenting coach, advises parents to hold off on criticising something as superficial as their kid’s fashion. “It’s a phase. You went through it when you were their age. What you should worry about is the company they keep,” she says. If you know your child has taken up with a group of troubled teens who skip school and do drugs or drink alcohol, a talk is in order. “Without putting them on the defensive, tell your child you’re concerned about whom they’re hanging out with and you’re worried they’re also doing the same,” Gregor-Harlen says.

YOU’RE THE ENEMY

Since you’re the one setting the rules, instituting discipline and criticising their bad actions, you become the enemy. “It’s so hard for parents when this happens especially for black parents, because we grew up with ever so strict parents who never took any nonsense,” Radebe says. “We need to understand, part of adolescence, especially this generation, is about separating and individuating. Many kids need to reject their parents to find their own identities.” The Solution: Sometimes parents feel so hurt that they respond by returning the rejection, which is a mistake. “The roller-coaster they put you on is also the one they’re feeling internally.” As the parent, you need to stay calm and try to weather this teenage rebellion phase. But no one’s saying your teen should get away with being nasty. You have to enforce basic behaviour standards. By letting your teenager know you’re there for him no matter what, you make it more likely he’ll let down his guard and confide in you once in a while, which is a rare treat.