Relationship – Submission

The word “submit” has a bad reputation in modern society, and is often linked to men lording it over women. But, is there room for submission within a healthy marriage?

A June 2018 Facebook post by Ukhozi FM radio presenter Nongcebo Vukile McKenzie about submission quickly turned into an lively debate with many of her friends sharing their thoughts and opinions on the topic. It begged the question, does submission still have a place in modern day marriages?

The Bible is known for having contentious Scriptures that have been the topic of hot debates over the centuries. Ephesians 5: 22-23 is one of those verses. The passage reads: “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 – For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour.” With the politics and beliefs of many modern women shifting, its message is being questioned more than ever.

“The idea that men must love their wives and their wives must submit to them is one of those issues that I deal with regularly in my practice,” says Patience

Nkomo, a relationship counsellor based in Richards Bay. “It’s something many Christians struggle with, and as the ideal of what marriages should be shifts, so does the understanding of that verse,” she says.

WHERE SUBMISSION STARTS

Ntate Jerry Mofokeng, a legendary actor and popular marriage counsellor, says the Scripture has been so controversial because it’s often misused. “This message is a two-sided capsule; no one side works by itself,” he says. “People love to forget the first part of that Scripture which gives it context. The first part is an instruction to the man to love his wife like God loves the church. When a man loves a woman the way the woman wants to be loved, respect comes automatically. Nobody needs to tell that woman to submit to that man. Respect works well when it’s voluntary, not demanded. Respect and submission that are demanded turn into obedience.”

According to a church elder, Iris Moroe*, who requested to be anonymous, the relevance of what submission was meant to serve, has been lost. “Submission from wives was meant to be a tool that facilitates teamwork within a couple. That teamwork was meant to operate from a place of love, not a place of ownership or a place of power trips. Because a lot of marriages have shaky foundations that have little to do with love, submission then becomes a weapon that’s demanded, instead of its intended purpose, which is building a team that’s unshakeable in a man and his wife.”

With the emphasis from experts focusing on both men and women as integral in giving submission meaning, beauty and value, why is it that submission is always directed at women? “It’s important for us as a society to see the places where patriarchy messes up many things for everyone, not just women,” Nkomo says. “Submission is often directed at women, with the first part of the verse, which speaks about men loving their wives like God loves his church, being omitted. It’s this problematic behaviour that again puts all responsibility on a woman and none on a man. An alarming number of men believe they’re owed submission, not understanding that they have an even bigger job of loving in such a grand manner,” she warns.

TUG OF WAR

McKenzie’s Facebook post showed that many hoped for balance in their marriages. Some said they were open to submitting to love and kindness, not dominance and dictatorship. Nkomo says that this is where most of the confusion creeps in. “I’ve seen a pattern of people taking bits of beliefs from different areas and attempting to sew them together to create a new way of being. This can work well in a relationship where two people decide on what kind of marriage they’re going to have. But on a grander societal scale, it gets confusing,” she says. On a societal scale, things must be in black and white, she adds. “As a society, you have to decide whether you believe in submission or not. The grey area is the range individuals decide on, of what submission is and isn’t for them. You cannot say I believe in only the good of something and not the bad because reality does not play itself out in that manner.”

Ntate Mofokeng’s take is that couples are often not equipped with the tools to deal adequately with the realities of a marriage; including the Scripture that requires love and submission. “I have a serious issue about wedding weekends when the older women take makoti and pressure cook her for 30 minutes on how to be a good wife, mother and daughter-in-law. She’s been growing for 30 years and you suddenly expect to indoctrinate and change her character in 30 minutes? A wedding is merely an event, it has no power to change character. The worst part of it is that the primary medication they give to women is bekezela (persevere). And only women are told that; the man goes to a bachelor party and enters his marriages with no clear instruction. The whole culture of prepping men and women for marriage is warped, which makes the expectations warped,” he says.

Moroe says it’s important for women to understand that ukubekezela and submission are not the same thing. “Submitting to your husband comes from a place of power. You do so because he has earned it by showing that he’s trustworthy and has the best interests of your unit at heart. Women with great husbands are the ones who submit. They give submission as a gift to a man who has proven his worth. Women married to abusive, unsupportive and untrustworthy husbands are not required to submit. Submission is for those in healthy marriages, ukubekezela is for those in situations they should likely attempt to leave should they ever be ready,” she says.

HAPPILY EVER AFTER

Whether you choose to follow the school of thought that has submission as part of the doctrine or whether you turn your back on it, a healthy and fulfilling marriage is what most people seek when they get into the institution. For that to happen, there are some things to consider. “Love needs to be serviced and it goes through many seasons,” Ntate Mofokeng says. “A woman who is well-loved always blooms. Her respect and tenderness towards her husband will speak to his pride and self-worth. As a man, you cannot want the benefits of men while also enjoying the freedom of boys. As a woman, you cannot help but have a gentle way of being for a man who treats you well. These things, coupled with communication, emotional intelligence and other factors, are the cornerstone of a healthy marriage,” he concludes.

The recipe for a good marriage is never standard, but there are some ingredients that it cannot do without — love and respect. Whether respect looks like submission or not, it’s necessary and will need to come from both parties, Nkomo concludes. “As the world changes, so will our understanding of submission. Women and men want different things from what their parents had. Dominance is not a goal in marriage. For more women and men, equality no longer has to mean sameness — all these things mean the face of marriages will evolve, even though the Scripture won’t. There’s hope for how submission will be viewed by younger generations and the goal is for it to no longer mean abuse when it comes to women in marriages.”

*Not her real name