Mindpower –No Comparisons

Does everyone else’s life seem better than yours — super careers, big bank balances, kids and a jet-set lifestyle – while you appear to have nothing? Calm down. Create your own definition of a beautiful life

I’m in my late 30s and even though I’m in a thriving relationship, I think marriage can wait until I’m in my 50s, and I know for sure that I don’t want to be a mother. It’s not that these roles don’t appeal to me – it’s just that societal norms don’t guarantee the kind of life I want. I’ve always dreamt of living in different parts of the world, especially in Africa, without being bound by obligations. I always want to be the centre of my own universe.

Despite this, my mother once felt compelled to ask me when I’m giving her grandchildren, and my partner thinks it’s time we talked seriously about marriage. This has made me think long and hard about my life. Am I delusional in thinking I can go against societal norms and have a fulfilling life?

SELF-DEFINE

It’s normal for people to assume we’ll become mothers and wives one day, or have a traditional career trajectory, says clinical psychologist Dr Mpho Sepato. For some people, these milestones are set by other people, leading to feeling the pressure to ‘have it all’ by a certain age. “If, growing up, you were compared to your cousins or neighbours, you’re likely to internalise comparing yourself to others and defining your life according to what others have,” she says.

The danger of looking externally for affirmation, is that you hand over your life’s vision and purpose to others and end up feeling inadequate, says life coach Khosi Gcabashe. “When you know your life’s purpose, you can

cultivate a life that goes with your vision,” she says. When you know what you want (kids, business or top career), it becomes easier to make decisions because you’ll know what you value in yourself,” she adds.

FIND YOUR LANE...

As clichéd as ‘don’t compare yourself to others because you don’t know what happens behind closed doors’ may sound, there’s truth and emotional security in finding your lane and slaying in it. “People who compare themselves to others don’t know what they want,” Gcabashe says. “If you have vision and purpose, you won’t have time to think about other people’s lives. If you have nothing to live for, you’ll feel inadequate,” she explains.

Defining what you want and setting goals to help you get there is important, says life and business coach Elona Hlatshwayo. Your career depends on your output more than other people’s will (as in marriage or having kids).

Hlatshwayo is a firm believer in being the master of your destiny. “We have control over our careers and can influence how it develops,” she says. In other words, stop wondering when your turn will come, and actually create what you want. “Set goals. Ask yourself, ‘Where do I want to be in five years?’ and ‘What’s required for me to get there?’. Start to map your journey along that field, as you work towards it in stages,” she adds.

...AND SLAY IN IT

Between Instagram, Facebook and the seemingly problem-free influencers’ lives, it’s easy to feel like your life has hit a brick wall. You question if you made the right career or life choices, especially when your peers or colleagues appear to be flourishing. But, as Dr Sepato discovered, there’s more than one way to reach your targets. “When I worked at Unisa, only executives went on overseas trips,” she recalls. She decided to travel on her own, instead of waiting for an ideal job with great perks.

“I started saving, and set achievable targets, like visiting nearby countries. We waste a lot of time envying others. So instead of complaining or being negative, be practical – set goals and a realistic time frame. Work towards it at your pace with the resources you have,” Dr Sepato advises.

If you’re thinking it’s easier said than done, consider this fact: comparisons and envy will likely lead to depression.

BE ASSERTIVE

As we all know family dynamics aren’t always logical. This is where being assertive comes in. For example, it’s expected that we’ll get married or have kids, especially after a certain age. Dr Sepato says instead of avoiding this discussion, sit your family or elders down and explain where your priorities lie. “I told mine about my priorities and the vision I have for my life. I wanted to be financially independent first. They were uncomfortable, but because I’d explained my priorities to them, I could tell them where to get off whenever they raised that topic,” Dr Sepato says.

She’s aware that standing up to your family can lead to rejection and being labelled as ‘difficult’. But, as she warns, “If you’re not assertive they’ll continue to pressure you. Don’t be passive when such questions come up. Don’t let people dictate what’s good for you,” Dr Sepato stresses.

SET YOUR OWN EXPECTATIONS

The heart wants what it wants, whether it’s being a mom or a successful career woman. However, you have to put in the work and that starts with self-awareness. “You need to be careful who’s planting seeds in your garden. Don’t surround yourself with negative people who nitpick your flaws,” Hlatshwayo says, adding that people who are highly self-aware are emotionally intelligent, which helps them make the right decisions for their lives, instead of what pleases others.

Life happens, Hlatshwayo says, and perhaps you decided to start a family instead of prioritising your career, or you’re lagging behind because you went back to school while your peers occupy senior positions. “You still have the opportunity to turn your career around,” she says. Most importantly, experience, of any kind, is never wasted.

GET YOUR MONEY RIGHT

There is one standard that all adults should live up to: financial stability. “You need to learn how to manage your finances,” Gcabashe says. It doesn’t mean you have to compare your finances to your friends’ or family’s, who might have more than you.

As Dr Sepato says, “You need to know how you’re going to sustain yourself financially. It doesn’t mean living in a mansion or having a fancy lifestyle. You can work towards that if that’s what you really want.”

People often call me lucky — I don’t have a child, I seldom run into financial problems and I’ve never wasted my time on relationships that don’t go anywhere. It’s not luck. I don’t have a child because I’m strict about birth control. I’ve never wasted time in a relationship because I make tough emotional decisions and, lastly, I’m unapologetic about my vision for my life. No need for comparisons.

We waste a lot of time envying others. So instead of complaining or being negative, be practical – set goals and have a realistic time frame.