Celebrate Life – Love After A Setback

Four women share how they still believe in love, even though their worlds once came crashing down after experiencing its ugly side

MANDISA ZWANE,

27, Publicist

“We were young and perfect for each other. We did everything together — gym, going to work, cooking, holidays — and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. Because we were clear about what the future held for us, we even moved in together. Three years down the line, I discovered he was a pathological liar and had been living a double life.

It turned out he’d been dating someone else for six years and, according to his family, had planned to propose to the other woman. All of this while we were still dating. At that point, my father was expecting lobola too because, hell, we were living together.

The entire situation was a sad mess. I broke up with him and tried to move on, but he wouldn’t let go. After a few months of him apologising and convincing me to forgive him, I gave in. He’d sworn that he would never hurt me again and refused to be in a relationship with anyone else, but me. Basically, his long stories and excuses included him vowing that he’d broken things off with his other longterm girlfriend. Because the heart is weak and wants what it wants, I fell for him all over again. Biggest mistake ever! I’d told him that if I ever heard any more funny tales, I’d be out for good!

Oh boy! Six months later I found out there was another woman he had been seeing during the same time that we were dating. This time around, I was gutted beyond measure.

It really took me a while to get over that relationship. Sometimes I look back on my early twenties and realise how much of my life I wasted. I was diagnosed with mild depression and underwent treatment for about a year.

Now, as I’m approaching 30, I’ve learnt to forgive myself for allowing someone’s dishonesty to impact and almost destroy my selfesteem the way it did. I’d even thrown in the towel on ever trusting a man. But, because life is full of surprises, here I am, two years later, happily in love again. Now, I’m a bit guarded with my heart, but I’m also learning not to allow the trust issues and insecurities created by another man, to impact my new journey.”

NOKUTHULA MASEKO, 36, Senior

Communications Manager

“My whole life took an unexpected turn on 13 October 2013 when I was woken at 6 am. When you get a visit from the in-laws that early, it can only mean one thing. My husband, Funi, had passed on leaving me to raise our two daughters.

Fast-forward five years later and my heart has never felt such joy. My new man, Madoda, and I met at the gym. An introvert by nature, he didn’t have the courage to approach me and asked one of the ladies in my step class to request my contact details. I took his number from ‘Cupid’ and called him.

Our very first encounter was over the phone and the conversation lasted well over an hour — it felt like we’d known each other for years. When we met for breakfast the next day, he introduced himself as a widower — he’d lost his wife the same year I’d lost my husband, and was a single father of two, then aged 12 and 13.

Initially, I’d been very clear that I wasn’t looking for a romantic relationship because I was in mourning, and I didn’t want him competing with a ‘ghost’. But, at that point in my life, I needed to cry a lot, talk to someone regularly and an escape mechanism, which I found at gym. He understood there’d be days when I missed my late husband and he let me be; and vice versa.

Have we healed? I don’t think we ever will. We’ve mastered accepting and knowing the memories of our loved ones will remain with us forever. We’ve also learnt to never compare each other to our deceased spouses.

Introducing him to my family was difficult because they were very attached to my late husband. I was open with everyone and reassured them that, although my heart had settled with another, Funi would always be celebrated and cherished. Our children, too, were uncomfortable and confused at first. It was important to let them know that we weren’t replacing their deceased parents, but rather taking up the baton to continue running the race. Our love and connection is based on truth, openness and laughter. Being with Madoda makes me feel grateful for another opportunity to find love again.”

NOMFUNDO XULU, 33, Director

in the Public Sector

“I was young and excited when I got married the first time around in 2011 — to a guy I thought was cool. We had fun together and when our relationship became serious, we spoke about moving in together but fears of vat en sit gripped me. Having grown up in a strict family, that was frowned upon. His proposal was expected, but a huge surprise. We were both in our 20s.

My second marriage was to a guy I honestly thought I’d spend forever with. We were not talking marriage yet, so his proposal was totally unexpected. We had to consider potentially adding his two children to our living arrangements, due to a change in his maternal family dynamics. At the time, he’d moved in with me as I had space.

The first marriage had its own complications, including finding out my then-husband had been dishonest and led me to believe he had no children. His mom told me he’d been taking care of his kids since inception.

The second marriage lasted for a while but there was never-ending baby mama drama, three kids to raise, high levels of wine consumption and family intruding in our personal affairs. It took almost a year to get divorced, but it was amicable.

I’ve learnt not to rush into things and to take it easy. There are a lot of character weaknesses I’m working on, at my own pace. One of my biggest mistakes in both marriages, was giving too much to my partners — and letting myself come last in the process.

My family is ridiculously open-minded and supportive. They’ve always encouraged me to focus on my career and child, no matter what. Only on a few occasions I heard sneers about being 33 and married twice already. One former colleague had the nerve to call me a ‘serial marrier’, but I laughed it off. I’m content with the fact that I gave love a shot when the opportunity presented itself, with generally good men. I absolutely believe in love and marriage! I’m now dating someone I’d been friends with for 12 years. We work together to ensure we get things right this time around. We help each other and spend valuable family time with our children.

I’m inspired to live my life to the fullest. Also, I’d advise anyone not to be afraid to move on when their situation’s no longer fulfilling their desires. What society thinks will not bring you contentment. People will always talk – let them.”

PALESA BOKA, 39, Project Manager

“I fell in love with this beautiful soul of a woman in 2008, and 28 days after we’d met, I left for London on a working visa. We were in a long-distance relationship for almost three years until I moved back home. We bought a house and a year later, tied the knot. At the point where we were talking about starting a family, I found out about her infidelity. She promised me it wouldn’t happen again and we tried to move on. But we’d separated by the time I gave birth to our son. We eventually reconciled when he was almost two, but that didn’t last long because the same women still lurked in the shadows.

We co-parented well and spoke about making amends. Even during those moments when we were apart, we still loved each other fiercely and agreed not to divorce. I remember 18 December 2016 like it was yesterday. We’d been texting about taking our son to a different school and the things she wanted to buy him. She called me while I was driving, but I couldn’t answer because there were police nearby. When I returned her call a few minutes later, her phone went straight to voicemail.

Minutes later, my mom broke news of Fisani’s accident. She’d been knocked down by a car. When I called her phone again, a stranger answered and said Fisani’s next-of-kin needed to come to hospital immediately. When I called one last time before making my way to the hospital, her wailing sister said she was no more. My best friend, mom and sister-in-law drove with me to the hospital, where they brought the corpse to a private viewing room. I couldn’t cry. I looked at her injuries — her stomach had dark bruises and I kept asking if she was in pain. Never in my life did I imagine I’d be a widow, let alone a single parent.

Every day is different. Some days I feel like I should consult a psychiatrist to check if all is still well. Some days I’m really okay, because there’s our son to be strong for. In the beginning I was angry and would take it out on him. It’s been two years and I’ve learnt to redirect my anger elsewhere. I’ve recently started dating again because I know, as well as I know my name, that Fisani would’ve wanted me to be happy.”