Parenting – Raising Grateful Kids

It’s never too late to raise kids that are selfless, kind and grateful. Here’s how you can turn things around

Author of Raising Grateful Kids In An Entitled World, Kristen Welch tells a story about how she and her husband decided that they were going to buy their three children their first pairs of cowboy boots – a rite of passage for kids growing up in Texas. She recalls how they budgeted and were looking forward to the day when their offspring share in their excitement for this big reveal at the cowboy fair.

All was well until they were on their way back home and one of the kids started complaining about something that they didn’t get to do at the fair that day – while wearing their new boots.

This is a familiar scene with a lot of parents. We find ourselves working harder, making more financial sacrifices for our children, only to be met with ungrateful, spoilt brat-like behaviour. Welch’s husband, who had just had it with the whining, told the tween that when they get home, he’s required to pack the boots back in the box so they can return them to the shop. After some begging and pleading from the tween, the parent eventually struck a deal that he could have them back – but only if he worked for them by weeding the garden. After two days, the job was done and after a heartfelt apology to his father, the child got his well-earned boots back. Welch says the boots incident is the day they called out entitlement in their home.

WHERE YOU GO WRONG

Replacing presence with presents Victorine Mbong Shu, author of Stop Complaining! And Bring Back Involved Parenting, says she used to give her children everything she didn’t have while growing up. Then around 2013/2014, she came home one

day and all four of her children were so engrossed on their iPads that none of them raised their heads to greet her. She went into her room and cried with the sudden realisation that she’d used her money to destroy her relationship with her kids.

Says Shu: “There’s nothing wrong with giving our children what we didn’t have growing up, but we need to able to differentiate between giving a child what they need, indulging them with what they want and over-indulging them with what they think they want.” She adds: “If we as parents realise that it’s love that our children need most and not things, we will stop trying to buy our children’s happiness with possessions.”

Providing from a place of lack

Parents who claim that they’re working hard for their children are deceiving their kids and themselves, Shu insists. “Parents don’t work for their children – they work for themselves. What we’re doing is over-providing. If we worked less, we’d provide more of what our children need and not what they want. We’d have children who’re more filled with our love and attention than empty ones who crave acceptance.”

Taking a closer look at the entitlement being reinforced by parents’ attitude that their hard-earned money should buy them satisfaction, Welch says, “My buy-in to the notion that I needed more of the best for myself and my kids didn’t satisfy me. Its pursuit left me emptier than when I had less… As uncomfortable as it sounds, parents who want less entitled kids have to be less entitled themselves, and parents who want to raise grateful kids need to start by living more grateful lives.”

Self-control with a dose of Vitamin N for ‘No’

There’s a famous scientific experiment that was conducted by Professor Walter Mischel, who sat hundreds of four- and five-year-old children down at a table and gave them a simple choice: to eat one marshmallow now or two later (the second being a reward if they wait). He left the kids in the room for 15 minutes. Only a few waited the entire time, while some ate the one marshmallow immediately and others waited a bit until they succumbed to the temptation.

When the researchers followed up with those children later in life, they found that those who were willing to wait for the second marshmallow ended up having higher school grades, lower levels of substance abuse, better social skills, and generally better scores in a range of other life measures.

The most important lesson we could teach our children is delayed gratification, explains Nikki Bush, a parenting expert. “We give in all the time and our children don’t get to learn to wait – whether it’s to wait their turn, another day, another hour or another five minutes. They want things a certain way and they want them NOW. Parents are afraid to say ‘No’, so their kids start calling the shots,” she says. Teaching children what Bush calls ‘frustration tolerance’ (saying ‘No’) fosters the ability for them to cope in a world that will sometimes reject them, or won’t let them get their way all the time.

Losing African values of respect and Ubuntu

Educational community counselling psychologist Dr Ingrid Matlwa laments the days when children recognised every man and woman as their own fathers and mothers (and vice versa). “While we were growing up, we’ d have to behave and be respectful in the streets because we knew older people were watching. I’m finding that children these days fail to even greet elders in the street. It starts with respecting elders, whether they’re your own parent or not, even with our own helpers at home. Children shouldn’t be calling them by name or disrespecting them.”

5 WAYS TO TEACH KIDS GRATITUDE

1. Teach with money: Shu taught her children delayed gratification by saving money. She gave them R100 pocket money, which they had to split into four: R25 for saving, R25 for investment, R25 to spend on themselves, and R25 to share with a family member or a charity. “Helping kids learn how to save, invest and grow their money will not only build their selfworth, but ultimately their nett worth, laying the foundations for creating their own financial freedom one day,” Bush adds.

2. Share mealtimes together: Bush suggests that parents try to share supper with their children, at least once a week. “Make time to cook together, lay the table and share a meal. When families sit like that together, children learn to share and take turns in conversations,” she says.

3. Exemplify gratitude: Matlwa says you can start teaching gratitude from an early age. “A child of 20 months can already be taught to ‘phaphata’ (clap hands together) to show appreciation when given something, rather than just taking. This along with being taught to say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’.” Added to this she also believes parents can practice gratitude with their children as a family. “Things like praying or being thankful for food before you eat. Other families pray together before bedtime to show gratitude for what they have.”

4. Give the gift of time: Bush shares the example of communications advisor Lupi Ngcayisa, whose routine with his three-year-old son Phalo involves making sandwiches once a week and sharing them with less fortunate people. Matlwa adds: “It’s our responsibility as parents to teach children the notion of being of service to others and show them that the little that you have, can be shared with others. This, coupled with having conversations about social ills that we have in this country or in our communities, to raise their social awareness and make them aware of their position of privilege.”

5. Take a ‘no complaints challenge’: Commit your child to 24 hours without complaining, Bush says. “After the 24 hours are up, discuss how you each did, what you learned, and other ways we can better deal with disappointment.” ■