Relationship – How To Fight Fairly

Although conflict is seen as something to be avoided in relationships, experts argue that it’s actually healthy, provided it’s done right. We investigate healthier ways of resolvig disputes

When it comes to arguing, 13th century Persian poet Maulana Jalaluddin Rumi once said, “Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” His advice is just as relevant today, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. It takes mistakes and resolving issues as a team to grow as a couple. But that wasn’t necessarily the case with 33-year-old Nompumelelo Zungu* who recently broke up with her ex-boyfriend of two years, after an accumulation of heated arguments that almost turned violent during the last days of their courtship. She says, “I’ve always been the type that would do anything to maintain peace with my ex-boyfriend, even if it meant taking the blame for everything that went wrong. Thabo* was quicktempered and moody, which was emotionally exhausting for me. We’d argue about almost everything, even small stuff, like me wanting to spend time with my family and friends.” At first, Nompumelelo brushed it off because she assumed it was part of a relationship’s DNA. “It was really exhausting how we never went weeks without fighting. What hurt me was how he handled our differences. He’d shut me up, say demeaning things and harbour grudges for months on end. Over the years, I grew resentful, because no matter how much I tried to reason with him, he still didn’t make any effort to compromise,” she says. Yet, she still felt this was normal. “I know couples fight, but it was becoming a reality I just didn’t have the energy for, especially since we never resolved issues. We didn’t know how to fight without hurting each other. We rarely involved our families anymore because we constantly fought. He never physically assaulted me, but I feared it would lead there.”

UPROOTING THE TRIGGERS

Joburg-based relationship expert, Thembi Hama says that unlike in Nompumelelo’s case, conflict is actually healthy in relationships because couples who agree on everything are not being authentic.

They can only do so for so long and the relationship is destined for failure. She adds, “People differ in thought processes and opinions, and it is recommended that couples air out their differences so long as it’s in Conflict is inevitable, states

Johannesburg-based relationship expert, Thembi Hama says that unlike in Nompumelelo’s case, conflict is actually healthy in relationships because couples who agree on everything are not being authentic. They can only do so for

and the relationship is doomed for failure. She adds, “People differ in thought processes and opinions, and it is recommended that couples air out their differences, so long as it’s in a healthy manner.”

Conflict is inevitable, states Pretoria-based clinical psychologist, Clementine Dlamini. “Various forms of conflict can be categorised into constructive and destructive interactions. Conflict could be viewed as healthy when partners display positive engagement styles such as disclosing their feelings, compromising, integrating the other’s opinion and expressing care and empathy during conflict resolution,” she says.

It’s obviously not easy to argue in a loving and caring way when things are heated. And it’s tempting to prove you’re right when arguing with your partner, but it’s also important to realise your relationship is not a courtroom, but a space to be a loving team. Conflicts are often triggered by a number of things, which, Dlamini says, could include, but are not limited to financial instability, unmet personal needs, differences in interests, religion, sexual disagreements, infidelity, undue secrecy, child rearing, performance of household tasks and struggles with fertility. “Research has also shown that conflict in relationships often arises because of major differences in value systems. Therefore, congruency in your values as a couple is a crucial element in working towards a healthy relationship,” she cautions.

WIN THE BATTLE TOGETHER

In their 2003 book, Fight Fair: Winning at Conflict Without Losing at Love, Tim and Joy Downs warn against the desire to win the fight as an individual. “Many relationship conflicts are about nothing more than who will get the last word or who will get their way. But in marital conflict, victory is the prize that no one can afford to win,” the pair writes. They also advise that the essential attitude in conflict resolution is the willingness to admit that you might be wrong. “Conflicts become stubbornly entrenched when both spouses insist on attributing all the fault to their partner, but the sooner we become willing to admit we probably played some role in the current disagreement, the sooner we’ll be able to work toward resolution,” the book states.

Hama agrees, mentioning that one of the best ways to argue right is by sticking to the point of the conversation, instead of making it personal or attacking your partner’s character. “This also entails airing your views in a way that doesn’t demean the other person, allowing your partner a platform to be heard, and respecting each other’s differences,” she explains.

WHEN WINNING COSTS YOU YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Relationships have unwritten rules that can be detrimental when broken. The foundation of any successful union lies in the golden rule of doing to others what you would like done to you. Going below the belt when arguing can ruin your relationship, because no one wants to be reminded of their weakness. “Couples should avoid insulting each other during arguments, or bringing up issues that have been resolved in the past. They must attempt to resolve their own issues before bringing in friends or relatives to intervene. Trying to score points in an argument by highlighting your partner’s weaknesses is a big NONO!” Hama cautions.

Fighting can also become toxic and when it slowly begins to brew violence. “It becomes unhealthy if it degenerates to emotional or physical abuse or can’t be contained and is spilling onto the children, the workplace or environment where the couple lives,” Dlamini says, adding that, “Such conflict situations weaken the relationship and contribute to feelings of hostility and resentment. It’s important that in such instances, the couple may need to look into other intervention strategies.”

Since every relationship is unique, there isn’t a specific formula to resolve conflict. And as Dlamini concludes, “It all boils down to knowing when to avoid conflict, give in, or stand your ground in relationships.”

*Not their real names