how i met your mother!

what ex­actly is in bar­ney’s flat?

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how i met your mother Sea­son 8 e.tv Sun­days 19:30

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ach­e­lor pad: noun – “a male sanc­tu­ary that is de­signed as a col­lec­tive space with the pur­pose of fa­cil­i­tat­ing a bach­e­lor in his daily ac­tiv­i­ties to in­clude but not limited to func­tion­al­ity, use of free time, hob­bies and in­ter­ests, en­ter­tain­ing friends and se­duc­ing women”. there’s only one prob­lem – bar­ney stin­son (neil pa­trick har­ris) isn’t a bach­e­lor any­more in how i met your mother’s (2005-2014) eighth sea­son. and on sun­day 1 march, fi­ancée robin (co­bie smul­ders) wants the for­mer ladies’ man to give up his beloved pad, also known as the fortress of bar­ni­tude. they hold an open hour and bar­ney makes sure that he scares off prospec­tive buy­ers by show­ing them se­crets that he’s used over the years to chase off his flings… like…

One for the money: ever no­ticed how things in the fortress that nor­mally come in pairs (or more) don’t? from pil­lows to tow­els, bar­ney’s made it clear that he’s the only per­son stay­ing there. halt, who goes there?: it’s no darth vader, but bar­ney does have a full-size star wars stormtrooper in his lounge. why? sim­ple: “it’s awe­some!” although not that awe­some when you’re walk­ing through the lounge in the mid­dle of the night and get scared half to death by it! The man­li­est toi­let seat ever: since most of bar­ney’s fe­male vis­i­tors have stayed just one night (if that), there’s no need for the toi­let seat to stay down. un­less con­stant pres­sure’s ap­plied, his seat stays up with a smooth spring ac­tion!

Safe from pry­ing eyes: bar­ney is a bach­e­lor leg­end and he’s recorded all his knowl­edge in his play­book. to make sure that no snoop­ing overnight guest finds his se­crets, he’s hid­den his play­book and bro code books in se­cret com­part­ments around the place. now as long as no one finds that com­part­ment-re­veal­ing but­ton on his sword… Now you see me: should any of his “guests” be­come too clingy, our hero’s got a hid­den es­cape chute from the kitchen to the al­ley be­hind the build­ing. ap­pro­pri­ately it’s called “es­cape from bitch moun­tain”.

Alarm bells: any fe­male voice say­ing phrases like “i want a deeper com­mit­ment” or “let’s snug­gle” trig­gers smoke alarms through­out the apart­ment. that way, bar­ney will know when he’s in trou­ble and that it’s time to use es­cape from bi…

Weighed up: bar­ney’s got stan­dards… and by stan­dards, he means women en­ter­ing his pad need to have the looks and weight of su­per­mod­els. while his eye­sight’s good for part 1, he’s hid­den a scale un­der the wel­come mat at the front door. that way, he can take a quick peek to see if his new­est con­quest weighs up to his needs.

baked goods: bach­e­lors don’t cook. they eat what they want, when they want, how they want. and since bar­ney’s place isn’t where women stay, there’s no need for a real oven. in­stead, bar­ney’s kitchen fea­tures a gen­uine card­board oven.

Telly time: prov­ing that big­ger is al­ways bet­ter, bar­ney’s got two 300-inch tvs in his apart­ment. they’re cus­tom made in ja­pan and so big and bright that they light up the en­tire apart­ment when they’re switched on. “they only sell them in ja­pan,” bar­ney says. “but i know a guy.”

The floater: if you’ve seen 1978’s su­per­man movie, you’ll know about bar­ney’s jor-el cam. he’s got a pro­jec­tor that will beam his face into the lounge (like su­per­man’s dad jor-el) and it floats while talk­ing to who­ever’s stand­ing there – bar­ney’s hid­ing in the closet talk­ing into a con­nected cam­era.

we’re glad that we’re not poor bar­ney, who’s be­ing forced to choose be­tween the love of his life… and robin.

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