Des­per­ate Housewives

There are a cou­ple of Des­per­ate Housewives laws to fol­low when liv­ing on Wis­te­ria Lane.

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Need a dose of cheeky, twisty-turny, scan­dalous fun? Look no fur­ther than dark com­edy Des­per­ate Housewives (2004-2014; all eight sea­sons are avail­able on in­ter­net stream­ing ser­vice Show­max). And the housewives are des­per­ate, but each for some­thing spe­cific. New­comer Su­san (Teri Hatcher) wants to start over, and con­trol-freak Bree (Mar­cia Cross) wants more con­trol. Manic mom Lynette (Felic­ity Huff­man) wants for a break from her crazy fam­ily life, while ex-model Gabrielle (Eva Lon­go­ria) is des­per­ate to re­live her glory years as a celeb. As for man- eater Edie (Ni­col­lette Sheri­dan), she’s just look­ing for a hot guy.

But it’s not all fun and games: the show has a nar­ra­tor (dead Mary Alice, voiced by Brenda Strong) who lifts the lid on the sub­urb’s shock­ing se­crets be­cause yes, be­hind those leafy green streets like a scan­dal and mur­der cesspool. To help you fit in (and stay alive), we’ve come up with a cou­ple of Wis­te­ria Wis­doms…

WIS­DOM #1: BE COMFY BAR­ING YOUR BUTT

Don’t have a neigh­bour­hood peeping tom? No stress – Su­san is left naked on the street in sea­son 1 episode 3 when her ex-hubby speeds off with her towel stuck in his car door. Worse yet, hot­tie con­struc­tion guy

Mike (James Den­ton) has ar­rived for their meet­ing…

WIS­DOM #2: KEEP THOSE HEDGES TRIMMED

Gaby is mow­ing the lawn in a cock­tail dress in sea­son 2 episode 1. Why? She is mak­ing sure that her jeal­ous hus­band Car­los (Ri­cardo Chavira) doesn’t re­alise that their gar­den ser­vice hot­tie John (Jesse Met­calfe) isn’t raking up leaves like he’s paid to do!

WIS­DOM #3: BLOW OFF STEAM

Egos aren’t the big­gest drama in sea­son 4 episode 9 – mother na­ture is! A tor­nado tears through town and leaves a trail of de­struc­tion. What it doesn’t leave is al­co­holic

Ida Green­berg (Pat Craw­ford Brown). Her house has been blown away, along with the trou­ble she gave the wives.

WIS­DOM #4: PERFECTIONISTS ARE A PROB­LEM

Bree is OCD. Not a hair is out of place. Ev­ery­thing is how she likes it – and that’s what she likes: con­trol and or­der. So when she finds out in sea­son 2 epi- sode 21 that her teen son

An­drew (Shawn Pyfrom) likes older men, she drops him at a gas sta­tion out of town with a hand­ful of cash. Cheers!.

WIS­DOM #5: OTHER PEO­PLE’S KIDS ARE THEIR PROB­LEM

In sea­son 3 episode 7, Lynette prom­ises her hubby Tom’s (Doug Sa­vant) fa­tally wounded mis­tress Nora (Kier­sten War­ren) that she’ll care for Kayla, Nora’s daugh­ter with Tom. Cue a lit­tle time hop and by the end of sea­son 4, Kayla’s burn­ing her­self with a curl­ing iron to frame “evil step­mom” Lynette for abuse. Luck­ily Tom tricks Kayla into con­fess­ing over the phone to a shrink and she’s sent to stay with her grand­par­ents far from Wis­te­ria.

WIS­DOM #6: KARMA CAN BE ELEC­TRI­FY­ING

Edie loves steal­ing men, like Su­san’s boyfriend Mike. But what goes around, comes around and in sea­son 5 episode 19, Edie gets a shock­ing send- off. She’s stand­ing in wa­ter af­ter a car crash and the ex­posed elec­tri­cal cable gives her more zap than a comic book punch and she dies in Su­san’s arms.

WIS­DOM #7: YOUR NEIGH­BOUR COULD BE NUTS

Peo­ple are crazy! Be­liev­ing that Mary Alice’s wid­ower Paul (Mark Moses) killed her sis­ter Martha, Feli­cia Til­man (Har­riet San­som Har­ris) cuts off two of her fin­gers in sea­son 2 episode 22 and uses them to frame Paul.

The Housewives (from left): Edie, Su­san, Bree, Lynette and Gaby.

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