There are a couple of Desperate Housewives laws to follow when living on Wisteria Lane.
Need a dose of cheeky, twisty-turny, scandalous fun? Look no further than dark comedy Desperate Housewives (2004-2014; all eight seasons are available on internet streaming service Showmax). And the housewives are desperate, but each for something specific. Newcomer Susan (Teri Hatcher) wants to start over, and control-freak Bree (Marcia Cross) wants more control. Manic mom Lynette (Felicity Huffman) wants for a break from her crazy family life, while ex-model Gabrielle (Eva Longoria) is desperate to relive her glory years as a celeb. As for man- eater Edie (Nicollette Sheridan), she’s just looking for a hot guy.
But it’s not all fun and games: the show has a narrator (dead Mary Alice, voiced by Brenda Strong) who lifts the lid on the suburb’s shocking secrets because yes, behind those leafy green streets like a scandal and murder cesspool. To help you fit in (and stay alive), we’ve come up with a couple of Wisteria Wisdoms…
WISDOM #1: BE COMFY BARING YOUR BUTT
Don’t have a neighbourhood peeping tom? No stress – Susan is left naked on the street in season 1 episode 3 when her ex-hubby speeds off with her towel stuck in his car door. Worse yet, hottie construction guy
Mike (James Denton) has arrived for their meeting…
WISDOM #2: KEEP THOSE HEDGES TRIMMED
Gaby is mowing the lawn in a cocktail dress in season 2 episode 1. Why? She is making sure that her jealous husband Carlos (Ricardo Chavira) doesn’t realise that their garden service hottie John (Jesse Metcalfe) isn’t raking up leaves like he’s paid to do!
WISDOM #3: BLOW OFF STEAM
Egos aren’t the biggest drama in season 4 episode 9 – mother nature is! A tornado tears through town and leaves a trail of destruction. What it doesn’t leave is alcoholic
Ida Greenberg (Pat Crawford Brown). Her house has been blown away, along with the trouble she gave the wives.
WISDOM #4: PERFECTIONISTS ARE A PROBLEM
Bree is OCD. Not a hair is out of place. Everything is how she likes it – and that’s what she likes: control and order. So when she finds out in season 2 epi- sode 21 that her teen son
Andrew (Shawn Pyfrom) likes older men, she drops him at a gas station out of town with a handful of cash. Cheers!.
WISDOM #5: OTHER PEOPLE’S KIDS ARE THEIR PROBLEM
In season 3 episode 7, Lynette promises her hubby Tom’s (Doug Savant) fatally wounded mistress Nora (Kiersten Warren) that she’ll care for Kayla, Nora’s daughter with Tom. Cue a little time hop and by the end of season 4, Kayla’s burning herself with a curling iron to frame “evil stepmom” Lynette for abuse. Luckily Tom tricks Kayla into confessing over the phone to a shrink and she’s sent to stay with her grandparents far from Wisteria.
WISDOM #6: KARMA CAN BE ELECTRIFYING
Edie loves stealing men, like Susan’s boyfriend Mike. But what goes around, comes around and in season 5 episode 19, Edie gets a shocking send- off. She’s standing in water after a car crash and the exposed electrical cable gives her more zap than a comic book punch and she dies in Susan’s arms.
WISDOM #7: YOUR NEIGHBOUR COULD BE NUTS
People are crazy! Believing that Mary Alice’s widower Paul (Mark Moses) killed her sister Martha, Felicia Tilman (Harriet Sansom Harris) cuts off two of her fingers in season 2 episode 22 and uses them to frame Paul.
The Housewives (from left): Edie, Susan, Bree, Lynette and Gaby.