‘Love’ alters our reality lens

PIERRE de Villiers became a household name in the 1990s when we still had continuity announcers on television. He joined the University of Johannesburg as a lecturer in life skills when SABC2 pulled the plug on continuity presenters, and qualified as a doctor of psychology.

He then featured on Talk Radio 702 as a life skills specialist and SABC’s 3Talk invited De Villiers as a guest.

Ten years later it was time for a sabbatical to write ‘ Dear Pierre’ –a collection of challenges contemporary society faces based on actual clients in a Q and A format.

With a decade’s experience as a counselling therapist, he chose 30 case studies covering sex, romance, money, love and everything in between, for his self-help book. Dear Pierre I have been married for seven years now and never looked at another man. I would describe my relationship as good, but now I am attracted to a man at work and can’t stop thinking about him. I feel so guilty as if I am living a secret fantasy life. Not sure if I should make the fantasy a reality since I believe he feels the same.

Is what I am thinking wrong? I don’t want to destroy my marriage but my feelings are starting to get the better of me. What should I do?

Charlene Dear Charlene I understand the force of attraction challenging your thinking and the spiral of confusion that grows from there. You sound like a wonderful person who is guilty only of being human. This innocence, as it stands, is important for you to immediately focus on and to then tackle everything else from there. You’re at a crossroad beyond right or wrong, it seems, with a case of two very different roads offering very different experiences.

Let me assure you that whichever route you choose, you will find your share of both challenge and reward. It’s not a case of good or bad, but a human dynamic that simply is, always will be, and it’s our responsibility to keep it in mind as we go through life.

It’s normal and perfectly acceptable, or even ideal, to evaluate life. This is where you are and, interestingly enough, you might happily carry on with at least another seven years of your marriage if you currently decide to do so, I believe.

Use the power of logic to realise that you do not yet know the person in question beyond the intoxicating nirvana of attraction which is an altered reality lens for ignoring all logic. Attraction is a beautiful thing, but dangerous in its capacity to make us act completely out of character, and it’s brought endless regret for mankind throughout history.

Realise the force you are facing and insist on seeing things more clearly before you act in an almost “drugged” emotional state of perception.

I’m not nudging you back to your husband. But I would like you to be as honest as you can when you consider if your husband is a good person with your happiness at heart when he acts, speaks and loves you every day?

You’ve had seven years’ experience to confirm this now.

You could easily, at this point in your life, and with the energetic assistance of this new, kind stranger, pay with the loss of your marriage. Or gain renewed understanding for the person you looked up to so long ago. Pierre ● Dear Pierre is available at Exclusive Books and retails for R195.