ON THE COUCH

I’ve had enough of my husband’s depression

IT’S AN amazing achievement to have been married as long as you’ve been. Over the years, you and your husband will have taught each other many valuable things.

You’ve certainly taught him what real caring looks like, and you’ve learnt from him that no one is entirely defined by their state of health, mental or physical. He’s been shouldering a burden all these years, too, and it’s to be hoped the most recent treatment works well.

For many reasons, possibly to do with the stigma of mental illness and perhaps because he simply wants to get on with life, he prefers to forget his episodes of crisis. Along the way, though, he sort of forgets you, too.

You’d hardly want him to be constantly grateful to you; it’s a difficult position to maintain, and you’d end up more irritated

QMy husband is in his late sixties and has suffered mental health issues over the course of our 30-year marriage. He has been on antidepressants for the past five years. When he has low periods, he tells me he appreciates everything I have done for him. But once recovered, his illness is never mentioned – until the next time. We are both retired and don’t have children. He helps with the household chores and keeps occupied doing DIY, but has few than appreciated. But you do want him to really see you – as a stalwart partner, yes, but also as an attractive woman.

While facing the fact that at our age we’re actually (gulp) past the half way point, we still want to be visible to the world, especially our partners.

I don’t want to patronise you by suggesting you count your blessings, but I doubt you’d be thrilled if he went out without you all the time. friends and refuses to join any clubs or social activities without me. I am slim, attractive, 10 years younger than him and have a reasonable social life of my own. It sometimes feels like I’m living with a teenager instead of a husband and I’m feeling increasingly that I’m wasting my life staying in this marriage. Very few of my friends know of our situation and financially it would be very difficult for both of us if we were to split up. Should I stay, awaiting the next breakdown, or do I leave?

Or if he never lifted a finger at home.

Why not find something new to do together? Ideally, something physical – walking, perhaps, or dancing or even joining a choir.

The health benefits for you both would be huge, and learning together and having some fun would strengthen your relationship enormously.

You may find it easier to open up to each other away from familiar things and established patterns.

You’ll notice I’m ignoring your suggestion that you leave him.

I sense that your dissatisfaction with your life and your frustration at his behaviour comes with more than a pinch of fear.

As well as worrying about him, as I know you do, you’re worried about yourself.

I think it would be really useful to take more than just a few friends into your confidence. We all have our emotional baggage.

Even if your friends had children, they’ll be grown up and gone by now and many of your concerns will be shared ones.

I don’t think you’ve stayed with him because it was financially sensible or that you don’t love him any more.

You’ve just got used to putting on a brave face. But you can let your real expression show through now – it’ll suit you. – Daily Mail