Am I spoiling my child while my husband is overseas?

FIRST, thank you for your service. Although the spouse deployed receives most of the accolades, the spouse at home also sacrifices a great deal, and this deserves recognition.

You have a couple of distinct issues in your letter, so let’s parse this out a bit.

No 1, you have a 3-year-old child. The hallmark of a 3-year-old is her strong will and her ability to push back with steadfast “no’s”, annoying whining and some pretty strong negotiating.

When a paediatrician or developmentalist hears about a 3-year-old who is pushing back, they usually smile and nod: the child is right on track.

In terms of how a 3-year-old relates to you and your husband, well, your little girl wants to see you. All of the time. If she is nearby, she will want close physical proximity. If she feels connected to her day-care providers, she will want to be physically close with them. The younger the child, the more physically close the child needs to be to the adult to feel safe – and 3-year-olds cannot hold many adults close to them at once.

So, when your daughter is at day care, she loves the people and may resist you. And when she sees her dad (on FaceTime or in pictures), she can’t really understand why she can’t be with him. This confusion makes her insecure, and this insecurity leads to even more misbehaviour. The toughest part of all of this is that, as the primary attachment in your daughter’s life, you are shouldering her normal developmentally tough behaviours, her sadness over her father and her missing you when she Q. I have a 3-year-old daughter who is an absolute delight. My husband is deployed in the military, I work full time and she is in day care. By outside measures, we have weathered this period quite well. She is at an age where it is easy for me to take care of her alone, but she is very aware of her father’s absence.

Over these past few months, I’ve found myself giving in to her more and more while still trying to hold fast to our rules and routines.

I’ll offer her sweets to avoid a meltdown, watch one more video before bedtime, let her sleep in my bed or eat at the coffee table instead of the dinner table. Frankly, I find myself bribing her a lot. I’m letting her do things such as climb on the furniture because I is at day care. This is a lot to shoulder. Of course you are giving in here and there when she pushes back. I don’t blame you. And as a mom with three children and a spouse who isn’t even deployed, I give in to little things. Often. And it is okay. Don’t lie awake and make yourself feel bad about this.

But there is a little voice in you that knows this is not a long-term need to make dinner and can’t be bothered getting into a fight with her.

Is this the normal progression of living with a three-nager? Or parenting strategy. You want to be a strong leader in your family, and you know that a video here and a sweets bribe there could easily lead to your child becoming an unholy terror. What can we do? 1. Get okay with letting some things slide. Go ahead and decide that on Wednesdays you will eat at the coffee table. Go ahead and decide that she can have some am I setting her up to be a spoiled, entitled only child? Should we try to get back to the way things were when Daddy returns in two months? sweets when you offer them (without it being a bribe). Go ahead and bring her into your bed sometimes. Go ahead and erase the image you have of what mothering looks like and make your family and your life your own.

2. Understand that when you’re giving in to some things, it is you who is doing the deciding, not the 3-year-old making the demands. For instance, if you know she loves sweets, you offer them before she asks sometimes. You are the one in charge of the dynamic. Although this may seem like small change, it is everything in parenting. Instead of your child making demands and wearing you down, you are standing up and fulfilling her desires. This is actually what parents do. Children are not made into brats from lollipops; children become brats when they become accustomed to pushing their parents’ boundaries here, there and everywhere.

3. Decide which boundaries you are going to hold and get ready for the crying. For instance, if you decide all meals will be at the table, she is going to try to push that boundary. Not because she is naughty, but because she wants what she wants. All 3-year-olds do. So, as you calmly and firmly hold the boundary, she is going to cry about what is not working for her. It is okay. Before long, if you continue to hold the boundary, she will come around and (mostly) happily sit with you.

4. Become a vessel for her feelings of longing for her father. As a loving mother, you do not want to watch your child suffer at all and watching her miss her father must pain you greatly. Add to this the fact that you also miss your husband and we have a recipe for a lot of sadness. There is nothing wrong with any of this. To allow your child’s sadness to come out, be sure you are getting the support you need. Shouldering sadness requires strength and softness from you, so please take advantage of any and all resources available to you as a military spouse.

Good luck and stay the course. I wish for the quick and safe return of your spouse. – Washington Post