Split care schedule plays havoc

Mother upset at father not sticking to pick-up time

FIVE years ago, my partner walked out on me and got a flat. We’d had our share of problems and my mom had dementia, so it put a huge strain on us. He went through depression and a mid-life crisis at 50 and then left. I was bereft, as I’d put him on a pedestal. We split custody of our son and life continued.

But I am constantly being made to feel like I am a bad person. For example, our son is staying at his dad’s on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I have never felt comfortable with this, as he’s in a different bed every night.

However, he is happy and so is his dad – so it hasn’t changed. His dad told him he’d pick him up at 4pm, but turned up at 2.30pm saying he was bored sitting at home. This happens all the time.

I told him it makes me uncomfortable him turning up unannounced. When he comes to my house, he follows me around to make conversation and it stresses me out.

I try negotiating to avoid this situation, but then he will turn up regardless. Our son prefers to be picked up. I explain I don’t like to have to entertain his dad every other day and he says he will come downstairs immediately.

This happens rarely, as he ends up staying on his online game, leaving his dad sitting in the living room, making me uncomfortable in my own house.

The thing is I have to keep a happy balance, as he agreed to let me have more equity in the house we co-own, as I’ve paid the mortgage solely for five years from the day he left and got into debt because of this, but that’s another story.

However, when I am nice to him, he starts to think he has a chance with me again. He asked me a couple of times would I consider taking him back, but he killed off my feelings when he left me and I told him this.

I told him he needs to get himself a life and he stormed out – and I feel wretched. I don’t like to think I am a bad person, but this situation is getting me down and I can’t see a solution. A: THERE are many times in life when there seems no solution possible; in fact, I am facing one (or is it two?) myself at the moment.

You lie awake at 4am revolving the issue round and round in your head, don’t you? And then it gets progressively worse. I know there will be so many people reading this in the same situation – and so when I tell you “there is a solution to anything”, I am (in a way) trying to counsel myself !

One key piece of information missing from your email is how old your son is. Because of your husband’s age, I’m imagining him to be in his mid-teens and still at school. Is that right? This obviously has an important bearing on how you handle the future. To begin with, let’s look at your situation from the outside.

Here we have a woman who adored her husband, but was left in the lurch by him and badly hurt. Nevertheless, she agreed to the custody-sharing arrangements he wanted, even though she quite rightly worried that this night-on, night-off plan was disruptive for their son.

Now the said son and ex-husband (although you may not be divorced) both call all the shots. The teenager (I’ll stick with this guess) thinks it more important to play on his computer than be downstairs quickly for his dad to collect him.

Meanwhile, said dad, having found out that single life hasn’t delivered what he wanted, thinks he can rock up at any time and be entertained by you. And he wants to come back, even though he hurt you so badly.

To be honest, there is a place within me that wishes maybe you could see a way forward to mend this marriage he shattered, for the sake of the past and of the son you made together. But the trouble is, you put the man “on a pedestal” – which is always a bad idea. He jumped off it – and now your idol is cracked into a thousand pieces, defying all glue. So there is no way forward, is there?

As you write, you are feeling “wretched” because you gave the man some excellent advice which he didn’t want to hear. People always get furious when we try to tell them what they refuse to acknowledge.

But instead of allowing yourself to be made miserable – yet again – by the man you once worshipped (that word from your uncut email), isn’t it time you stood up to him? Isn’t it time you laid down a few rules? Isn’t it time you stopped being a loving doormat for both your husband and your son?

It would be much better if your son were to stay with his father (say) every other weekend and then perhaps one night in the week.

However, that’s not something an outsider can assess: it is for you to spell out what you want.

It’s not acceptable that you are somehow being made to feel that you are to blame for a situation that’s making you unhappy. I’m afraid you have to toughen up. – Daily Mail