Help! Our kid is addicted to gaming

MEAGHAN LEAHY gives tips on handling online obsessions

OUR SON, aged 9, has been sneaking screen time so he can play an online game he’s obsessed with. He’s managed to learn our passwords and override our protections. Yesterday I was charging my phone and in 10 minutes, while I was upstairs, he installed a game on my phone and deleted an app to make room for it. He has repeatedly lied to us.

When caught, he’s full of apologies and visibly ashamed. We’ll have to up the security ante, and there were consequences for each incident, but I’m more concerned with his ability to control his impulses and helping him develop into a trustworthy person. How can we help him? If it’s relevant, he has been diagnosed with attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder and impulse control issues and was found to be highly gifted.

You have my full empathy. For the parent with an average child, there is an endless source of stress associated with keeping boundaries on screen time. We are flying blind when it comes to a parenting playbook for this. We are the first generation of parents to grapple with this phenomenon and we (our culture at large) do not know what we are doing.

I say this not to panic you; rather, I want you to take some solace in knowing parents worldwide share your confusion and exasperation. You intuitively feel too much screen time is unhealthy for your son (common-sense parenting), and you know neuroscience is showing gaming affects some parts of children’s brains, but common sense and neuroscience have not come together to create a cohesive standard or recommendation. We are full of data points but have no road map for what to do.

A quick visit to the American Academy of Paediatrics website yields good data but no conclusive recommendations for parents whose children use screens.

There is more anecdotal research showing school-age children are experiencing withdrawal-like symptoms when cut off from gaming and social media. So much so, in fact, that rehabilitation centres have been created to help teens adjust to life without gaming. It is a real, debilitating and chronic problem for many parents. You are not alone.

But what has really piqued my interest is emerging research is revealing a strong correlation between people with executive function issues and negative screen time use/ abuse. Essentially, if you have a neurotypical brain, chances are good you use screen time to have fun, connect with others and take a break. You are also

The lying, the sneaking, the hacking of passwords, the downloading of apps (and deleting yours) are behaviours driven by the reality that when he stops gaming his brain doesn’t feel safe.

Why do I think this? You report he is truly sorry and ashamed. Your son doesn’t want to sneak around and feel obsessed with gaming; he is literally compelled to do this (like an addiction).

I have empathy for him. When I binge on social media, it feels good in the moment but I can say I rarely feel better for having done it. Like gorging on sugar or alcohol or heroin or sex, our brain feeds on the anticipation of the feeling but never feels satisfied.

What should you do? I turned to my friend

A psychologist suggests a clear

spelled out for parent and child

able to put down the screens and interact in the real world without significant withdrawal symptoms. Lovely, right?

But if you have executive function issues, your screen use can take on obsessive qualities, negatively affect your ability to function in the world, feed depression and anxiety and hinder healthy relationships.

For better or worse, we know your son has a special brain. He has been diagnosed with ADHD (his ability to focus is compromised), and he is gifted (his brain is churning through data at a faster rate or might have a different perspective from most children). He is a prime candidate for screen addiction, because the ADHD brain often feels really good when it is gaming. The quick decisionmaking, the frenetic screen action, the multi-player aspect and the fact the game never ends can feel normal and good for the ADHD and gifted brain. Adam Pletter for some ideas. He is a child psychologist and runs an online class for parents who need support with handling screens and children. He suggests a clear family contract, with every rule spelled out for parent and child. Because your son is both gifted and ADHD, we need a contract that emphasises the agreed-on rules and building trust through your son’s increasingly trustworthy and appropriate behaviour. In addition, the contract needs to spell out the consequences of breaking the rules (increased restriction, etc).

While I am not usually a proponent of too many consequences (when used haphazardly, they create more resistance), your son needs clear boundaries, rewards and consequences to help focus him and promote responsibility.

Pletter also suggests a more comprehensive online-control system to prevent hacking, such as Circle from Disney.

There is no perfect answer for keeping children off technology and we are not going for a scorchedearth solution here. But we absolutely can stop the purchasing of apps and decrease the sneaking by having the games blocked.

I am also a big fan of “cellfree” Saturdays or Sundays. This means every family member stays off their screens for the day. Yes, it is hard to get used to and, yes, you can make exceptions for sports games or something else special that the whole family can enjoy. But in general, this is a fun way to reconnect, get outside, play board or card games or simply laze about and read.

Finally, because he is so bright, you are going to have to find other things to occupy his mind. Of course, I want him to experience some boredom. You are not expected to entertain your son night and day. You would go mad. But if he loves games and screens, is there a coding class or camp he could attend? Can he attach to the tech person at school? Could he mentor younger children in understanding the fun side of some games? Keep an open mind and look for options.

This is hard work. You will probably be managing behaviours that are highly provocative and holding these boundaries will test your patience. Please find a safe place to unload your big feelings – a partner, a friend, a therapist, anyone who will offer compassion and a nonjudgmental ear.

Your goal is to keep some of the technology at bay while you give your son’s brain a chance to mature. We need to let time do its work. Don’t get so stuck in the ugly little details you lose the bigger picture. Time equals brain maturity. Your son needs to grow up to better handle the onslaught of digital media. – Washington Post

Good luck.

Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a Master’s degree in school counselling and is a certified parent coach.