Ask Dr Louise

Q I recently caught my husband looking at pornography and it’s not the first time. I caught him a few months ago and after talking to him about it he got rid of his collection.

When I asked him now why he’s doing it again when we’d already discussed it he told me he can’t help himself. He says it feels like an urgent need he has to satisfy. To me this sounds like an excuse. I don’t think he really wants to stop and I don’t want it to become a habit, as it’s having a negative effect on our marriage. He tells me he loves me but can’t give it up for my sake. Should I leave him? Marionette, email A It’s possible your husband is addicted to pornography. Experts have suggested a penchant for pornography may be more of a compulsion than an addiction, but the bottom line is it’s a problem for you because it’s affecting your marriage.

Brain scans of compulsive pornography users while viewing erotic images show brain activity patterns similar to those of drug abusers and alcoholics viewing pictures of drug paraphernalia and alcohol. All addictions (including pornography) cause changes in the brain that weaken the person’s resistance to impulses and affects their judgment. So your husband isn’t lying when he says he can’t stop himself.

There are five stages of pornography addiction: early exposure; physical dependence; desensitisation, where more and more stimulation is required; escalation, where sexual images, urges and fantasies dominate the person’s thoughts; and acting out, where the addict moves from viewing pornographic material to seeking an experience in the real world.

Tell your husband you feel so strongly about this that you’re considering leaving him if things don’t change. If he wants to do something about it to save your marriage he’ll need professional help. Remember he’ll need support from you to get through it, rather than rejection.