LAUGH A LITTLE
SOMETHING FISHY
A man calls his wife from the office. “Honey,” he says, “I’ve been invited to go away on a fishing trip with my boss. I think I should go – it’s an ideal opportunity to get that promotion I’ve been hoping for.”
He explains that they plan to leave straight after work so he asks his wife to pack enough clothes for a week and get his fishing box and rod out of the garage and ready so he can just pick them up.
“Oh and please pack my new blue silk pyjamas,” he adds. This last request raises his wife’s suspicions but she does as he asks.
A week later her husband returns, looking tired and pale.
“So, honey, did you catch many fish?” she asks.
“Yes, I did,” he replies. “Some cob, angelfish and a red Roman.
“But honey,” he continues, “why didn’t you pack my silk pyjamas like I asked you to?”
“I did,” his wife replies coldly. “They’re in your fishing box.”
QUICKIES S
No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in conversation.
I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn’t have much of a plot.
What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.
SSWhy did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn’t resistor.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed food colouring. The doctor says I’ll be okay but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I used to be addicted to soap but I’m clean now.
Sleep comes so naturally to me I could do it with my eyes closed.
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
I was going to buy a book on phobias but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.
SSSSSSBYTHE LETTER
A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. The waiter has just delivered his meal when a bee lands in it.
“Waiter!” he calls out, “there’s a bee in my soup!”
“Yes sir,” the waiter says. “It’s alphabet soup. I believe all the other letters are there too.”
STORMYWEATHER
A young naval student is being put through his paces by an old sea captain.
“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?” the old-timer asks him.
“Throw out an anchor sir,” the student replies.
“What would you do if another storm sprang up from behind?” “Throw out another anchor sir.” “And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?” “Throw out another anchor sir.” “Hold on,” the captain says. “Where are you getting all those anchors from?”
“From the same place you’re getting all those storms, sir.”
GONETOTHE DOGS
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Golden retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us and you’re inside worrying about a stupid bulb? Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp! Rottweiler: Make me. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Labrador: Oh, me, me!! Pleeeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Please, please, please! German shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I didn’t miss any and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one takes advantage of the situation. Jack Russell terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture. Old English sheepdog: Light bulb? I don’t see a light bulb. Cocker spaniel: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark. Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares? Border collie: Just me. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to scratch. Poodle: I’ll just blow in the border collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house my nails will be dry.
FINALTOUCH
An elderly man approaches a teenager in the post office.
“Excuse me young man,” he says. “Could you address this postcard for me? My arthritis is terrible today and I can hardly hold a pen.”
“Yes, okay,” the youngster says and writes down the given address.
“Also,” the old man adds, “would you be so kind as to write a brief message and sign it in my name?”
“Okay,” the teen says and patiently writes the five-line message the old man dictates to him, adding his name at the end. Then helpfully he asks, “Is there anything else you need?”
“There is one thing,” the old man replies. “After my name could you just add: ‘PS Please excuse the sloppy handwriting.’ ”