I WAS HIS LOVER, NOW I’M HIS NANNY
My boyfriend and I have been dating for six years, have a five-month-old daughter and have never kept secrets from each other. Three years ago we welcomed his parents into our home and it was great having them.
Recently I’ve noticed he keeps stuff from me and doesn’t talk to me about things like he used to. He talks to his mom a lot and when I walk into the room they keep quiet.
When I talk to my mom on the phone and don’t tell him he accuses me of keeping secrets. His mom treats me like a child, telling me what to do and how to raise our daughter, but I want to educate my child the way I want to.
My boyfriend and I have become distant. When he does talk to me it’s only to tell me how stupid or useless I am and he clearly doesn’t care how hurtful his words are. I feel as if we’re more like roommates than lovers or as if I’m just the nanny. What should I do? Charlene, email It’s difficult to have parents living with their grown-up kids because the parents tend to want to take control and this can be a source of conflict – if not with their child then with their child’s partner.
Even if his mother means well and only wants to offer advice, that’s not how you perceive it. You need to stand up to her, but do it in a nice way. Thank her for her advice and say you will keep it in mind, but that you want to raise your child as you see fit, even if you make some mistakes along the way.
As for keeping secrets in a relationship, we all have our own thoughts and ideas and may not always want to share absolutely everything with a partner. This shouldn’t be problematic in a relationship.
The fact that your boyfriend appears to be sharing things with his mother that he’s not sharing with you will of course concern you. And it’s certainly not acceptable that he says hurtful things to you and belittles you. This will only erode your relationship.
Tell him it needs to stop immediately and that if it doesn’t you’ll end the relationship. Make it clear you’ll no longer accept emotional abuse from him. Demand the respect you deserve from him and his parents. – YOUNG ADULT FICTION WRITER TOM KAVANAGH