On learning to say no
On finding work/life balance On how nothing is certain On being flexible On knowing when to quit On removing your fear On rough patches On making mistakes On making the most of time On taking breaks On fresh starts On leveraging your strengths
to happen at 3 o’clock and what’s going to happen at 7 o’clock. As I often tell my girls [at the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls in Gauteng] from atop my “Mom O” perch, a career is not a life. What you want to do should emerge from who you want to be. Who do you want to be? That, to me, is the essential question. I’m keenly aware that every day is a gift, that time is fleeting. Another year has passed. So quickly gone. No moment but this one is guaranteed so I’m ready to be in each as the healthiest, strongest, fittest, most conscious, most alive me I’ve ever been. What I know for sure is that the only way to endure the quake is to adjust your stance. You can’t avoid the daily tremors. They come with being alive. But I believe these experiences are gifts that force us to step to the right or left in search of a new centre of gravity. Don’t fight them. Let them help you adjust your footing. When my producers [of The Oprah Winfrey Show] called me in and said, “I know, we could take the audience to outer space,” I knew it was time to go. Whenever I’m faced with a difficult decision, I ask myself: What would I do if I were not afraid of making a mistake, feeling rejected, looking foolish or being alone? I know for sure that when you remove the fear, the answer you’ve been searching for comes into focus. And as you walk into what you fear, you should know for sure that your deepest struggle can, if you are willing and open, produce your greatest strength. tickets, they’ve got new outfits, they’ve called their sisters, their cousins, their aunts, their mothers-in-law, their mothers, and that’s why they’re there, to see [me]. So I feel a sense of responsibility, a sense of obligation, a sense of respect, reverence, and honour for those people. Ever notice how some of the most eyeopening moments in life occur when the going gets tough? Rough patches are scary, for sure, but they can also be truly transformative. When you’re down in the hole, it’s really okay to feel bad for a little while. Give yourself time to mourn what you think you may have lost. But then – here’s the key – learn from every mistake. Because every experience, encounter and particularly your mistakes are there to teach you and force you into being more of who you are. I’m not so good at. I rarely decide to do anything just for fun. So I’ve recently started asking myself, “Am I having a good time? Am I doing what I really want? What does fun look like?” Just because the phone’s ringing doesn’t mean I have to respond. I control what I do with my time. We all do, even when it seems out of control. Protect your time. It’s your life. I began scheduling little moments of calm – moments in which I do nothing for at least 10 minutes . . . Whenever I give myself these little breaks I find I have more energy, and I’m in a better mood for all the business that comes afterward.
The ability to learn to say “no” and not feel guilty about it is the greatest success I’ve achieved. For me to have the kind of internal strength and internal courage it takes to say, “No, I will not let you treat me this way,” is what success is all about.
We all get the opportunity to feel wonder every day, but we’ve been lulled into numbness. Have you ever driven home from work, opened your front door, and asked yourself how you got there? I know for sure that I don’t want to live a shut-down life – desensitised to feeling and seeing. I want every day to be a fresh start on expanding what’s possible. Each one of you has your own platform. Mine is a stage in a studio; yours is wherever you are, with your own reach. However small or however large that reach is, maybe it’s 20 people, maybe it’s 30 people, 40 people, your family, your friends, your neighbours, your classmates, your classroom, your co-workers. Wherever you are – that’s your platform, your stage, your circle of influence. That’s your talk show, and that’s where your power lies.