MY WIFE ISN’T WHO I THOUGHT SHE WAS
I fell in love with my wife in high school. We dated for a while but after matric we went our own ways. We both married and had families and also both lost our partners – she divorced her first husband and my first wife died of cancer. After a chance meeting we started seeing each other again and wed three months later. We’re both in our mid-fifties.
We’ve been married for two years now and I’ve realised the person I loved in high school is not the person I’m married to. Over the past two years I’ve discovered she lies, is disloyal and selfish and likes to spend money. I was financially independent when we married and I really think she saw me coming.
I now realise I was in love with the image I had of her from years ago and didn’t really know the woman I married. I don’t love her. She’s a stranger to me. I can’t bear being married to her or being intimate with her. But I feel guilty about asking for a divorce as her chances of meeting someone else are slim. What should I do? Arnold, email When people who had a romantic liaison in high school meet up much later it’s tempting to see the person as the one you used to love. But in the meantime life happened – so things are bound to be much more complicated. Our memories are fickle and we tend to remember mainly the nice stuff while conveniently forgetting the rest.
You were however both adults and more seasoned in life when you decided to get married and you’re both responsible for making that choice after just three months. If you don’t love her you have to be honest with her about it because it means your relationship is based on an illusion.
If you continue with the marriage you’ll just end up causing her great sadness and heartache – and you are already unhappy, which is no way to live. Have a serious talk with her and tell her you feel you made a mistake. Tell her you think the two of you jumped into marriage too quickly and that you want a divorce.
She may be sad and hurt but rather come clean now than to let her go on believing something that isn’t true. It would be unfair to both of you. – PSYCHOLOGIST ERICH FROMM