TOMATO SAUCE CAN BE ONE OF THEIR FIVE A DAY

Parenting can be a minefield but there are ways to negotiate the madness. Forget being a strict, demanding tiger mom and take a few satisfying short cuts – your kids will survive and you’ll be happier for it. (13) and Dolly (7) – maybe not. But I have, on a bad day, pondered over what crime I might commit that would ensure a judge sends me down for a month or two. Just an open prison, mind, where all my meals would be cooked for me and the only demand made on me would be to stroll around outside for a bit once a day.

We all know having children is exhausting. Each day is a relentless challenge to summon our last reserves of patience and energy – and until now we’ve had to do it wearing a perfect pinny and a saintly smile.

Thank God those days are over. It’s goodbye to sugar-coated parenting and a big hello to a new mothering movement that’s rather more gin-soaked. Cheers to that!

So, herewith my guide to being a perfectly imperfect mother. I find it helpful to remember an entire generation – adults who are still alive today – grew up in the ’50s eating processed meat with mayonnaise.

It doesn’t seem to have made much difference that they weren’t raised on organic chicken and homemade pesto. So why bother with all the faff and expense? Five veggies a day? Surely that big dollop of tomato sauce counts.

Sometimes, when I’ve had a really bad day, my kids get breakfast for dinner – you know, cereal and/or toast. It’s never killed them and it frees up an extra hour for me to drink more sauvignon.