Laugh a little

CRASH COURSE IN TECHNOLOGY

The owner of a global computer company is chatting to the CEO of a big car manufacturer.

“If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,” the computer guy says, “you’d now be driving a 32-cylinder car instead of a four-cylinder one, and it would have a top speed of 20 000 km/h. Or, an economy car that weighs 50 kg and gives you 1 000 km to the litre. In either case, the price of a new car would be less than R5 000.”

“Sure,” the carmaker says, “but would you really want to drive something that crashes four times a day?”

CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME

John is relaxing at home when there’s a knock at his door. He opens it to find a tearful man on his doorstep.

“Sir, you’ve got to help!” the man says. “There’s a family I know who are in desperate need of money. The father has been out of a job for more than a year and they have five kids with barely a bite to eat. The worst part is they’re about to be kicked out of their home. Soon they’ll be on the street without a roof over their heads!” The man concludes his story with a heartrending sob.

“Well,” John says, “that sounds really sad. Why don’t you come inside and we’ll talk about it a little more.”

Once they’re seated the man says, “So, how much money is needed exactly?”

“Oh, it’s really terrible,” the man says, tearful again. “They need R3 000 by tomorrow just for the rent or they’ll be kicked out.”

“How do you know so much about this situation?” the guy asks as he reaches for his cheque book.

“Well,” the man says, “they’re my tenants.”

HOW’S THE WEATHER?

A guy arrives in a remote part of Alaska where he plans to spend his summer holiday. To find out more about what awaits him he chats to a local old-timer.

“Tell me about the weather,” the guy says. “Does it rain a lot in summer?”

“Well,” the old-timer replies, pointing at a mountain range in the distance, “do you see those mountains over there?” “Yes, I do,” the guy replies. “Well, if you can’t see those mountains it means it’s raining. And if you can see them it means it’s going to rain.”

LITTLE JOHNNY

Johnny’s dad arrives home from work and is annoyed to see his son hasn’t mown the lawn as he promised he would. “Johnny, come here,” his dad says. “Yes, Dad?” Johnny says. “I thought I told you to mow the lawn.” “Well, Dad, I forgot.” His dad looks at him. “Well, what would happen if I just forget to go to work tomorrow?”

“Then you could mow the lawn.”

THE BET

A man walks into a bar and orders a whisky. While sipping his drink he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar.

“Excuse me,” he says to the barman. “Why are there pieces of beef on the ceiling?”

“Well,” the barman says, “if you can jump high enough to pull one down you’ll get free beer all night. But if you fail, you’ll have to pay the bar R500. Do you want to have a go?” The guy thinks about it for a minute. “Nah,” he says, “the steaks are too high.”