Laugh a little

Fancy yourself a joker? Email original jokes to chuckles@you.co.za or send them to Chuckles, YOU, PO Box 7167, Roggebaai 8012, and we may publish them on this page.

THE DOUBLE WISH

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over something half-buried in the sand. He looks down and sees it’s an old lamp. The next moment a genie pops out.

“Even though you kicked me, I’m still obliged to give you three wishes,” the genie says. “But because of what you did, I’ll also give twice of whatever you wish for to the person you hate the most – your boss.” The man agrees and makes his first wish. “I want lots of money,” he says. Instantly R1 million appears in his bank account, while R2 million appears in his boss’ account.

For his second wish the man asks for a few sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini, a Ferrari and a Porsche appear in his driveway. At the same time two of each of these cars appear outside his boss’ house.

“Now this is your third and final wish,” the genie says. “Think carefully.”

“Well,” the guy says, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney . . .”

THE LOST DOG

A dog gets lost in the jungle where he’s spotted by a hungry lion. Realising he’s about to become prey the dog starts to run, but then he sees some old bones lying on the ground and has an idea.

“Hmm,” he says out loud and licks his lips as the lion approaches. “That was some delicious lion!”

The lion decides this dog is a lot tougher than he thought and gives up the chase.

Meanwhile a monkey is watching all this from a tree. He decides to tell the lion what the dog did, hoping the lion will reward him.

“Thanks for telling me,” the lion says. “Get on my back. We’ll go and find that dog and eat him together.”

But the dog spots the two coming after him. As soon as they’re within earshot he says out loud, “Where’s that monkey? I told him hours ago to bring me another lion!”

ONE SMOOTH DRIVER

A Nobel prize-winning mathematician is travelling by limousine from university to university on a speaking tour. After several engagements the genius and his driver are having dinner. “I’ve heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word,” the driver says.

“Alright,” the mathematician says. “Why don’t we switch places for the next one? You dress like me and give the speech, and I’ll dress like you and sit at the back of the auditorium.”

That evening the driver delivers the speech flawlessly and afterwards opens the floor for questions, of which there usually aren’t any. But this time one of the students with a large ego decides to try to stump the Nobel prizewinner. He gets up and asks a long, complicated question.

After hearing him out the driver laughs and says, “That question is so simple I’ll just let my driver in the back answer it.”

GOING CUCKOO

A guy goes out with his friends for the night. Before leaving he tells his wife, “Don’t worry, dear, I promise I’ll be home by midnight.”

Midnight comes and goes. The guy finally arrives home at 3 am, somewhat the worse for wear.

As he enters the house he realises their cuckoo clock has just gone off. Then he has a flash of genius: he waits a moment then makes another nine “cuckoo” sounds. He sneaks into bed, feeling pleased with himself.

The next morning he wakes up and finds his wife making breakfast. She doesn’t seem to be upset. “So, dear,” he says, “did you sleep okay?” “Yes,” she says, “but we need to have the cuckoo clock fixed.” “Why?” “Well, last night it cuckooed three times. Then it yelled ‘Crap!’ Then it cuckooed another six times and giggled a bit. Finally it cuckooed three more times, burped and tripped on the carpet.”

THE BIKE AND THE ENGINEER

An engineer is out jogging when he bumps into a friend, also an engineer, who’s out cycling on an expensive new bicycle.

“Wow,” the first engineer says, “I like your bike. Where did you get such a fancy machine?”

“Well,” the second engineer replies, “I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want’.”

The first engineer nods approvingly. “Good choice,” he says. “Her clothes probably wouldn’t fit you.”

THEY SAID IT

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

I needed a computer password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.